IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

the bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

the bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#bar #percentage #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity #summarise #information #features #comparisons
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The figure illustrates the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of male and female people
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 Australia in six age
groups
Use synonyms
 from 15 to over 65 years old who did regular
workout
Fix the agreement mistake
workouts
show examples
 in 2010.
overall
Linking Words
,
among
Change preposition
apply
show examples
men who were in the first group (15 to 24) had the highest
percentage
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, men who were in the third group (35 to 44) had the least
percentage
Use synonyms
. In the other gender, women, who were between 45 to 54 years old had the first rank, but women
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
more than 65 years old had the least rank. As we have six age
groups
Use synonyms
, in
male
Correct article usage
the male
show examples
 gender about slightly over 50% of the youngest people, which were between 15 to 24 did workout regularly. The closest group to the youngest people were the oldest
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 (more than 65)
did
Correct pronoun usage
who did
show examples
 regular
workout
Fix the agreement mistake
workouts
show examples
. 46% of them did it. The
percentage
Use synonyms
 of other
groups
Use synonyms
 which were between 25 to 64 did regular exercise was about 45%. In the female gender, over 50% of
three
Correct article usage
the three
show examples
groups
Use synonyms
 did physical activity which
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 between 35 to 64.
However
Linking Words
, in other
Use synonyms
groups
Add a comma
,groups
show examples
 virtually 47% of them did exercise which had a 6% gap
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 comparison with the first three
groups
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by shahab_e2020 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
▼
Introduction: The introduction is missing.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, groups with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Percentage
  • Australian men
  • Australian women
  • Age groups
  • Regular physical activity
  • Participated
  • Increased
  • Decreased
  • Proportion
  • Physically active
  • Gender difference
  • Engaged
  • Exercise
What to do next:
Look at other essays: