IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that only staff who worked in a company for a long time should be promoted to a higher position. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #staff #company #time #position
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some people believe that those who work for a long
time
Use synonyms
 in a
company
Use synonyms
 should get
promotion
Replace the word
promoted
show examples
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
higher
Add an article
a higher
the higher
show examples
 position. I completely disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because it will foster
discrimination
Use synonyms
 among the staff, and the
company
Use synonyms
 will not get efficient and skilled
employees
Use synonyms
. Only choosing
employees
Use synonyms
 who
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
working
Wrong verb form
worked
show examples
 for a long
time
Use synonyms
 in that
company
Use synonyms
 fosters
discrimination
Use synonyms
 in
recruiting
Correct article usage
the recruiting
show examples
 procedure. Everyone has a right to get their desired jobs
according to
Linking Words
 their eligibility. If
companies
Use synonyms
 only choose
employees
Use synonyms
 from the same
company
Use synonyms
, it will actually promote
discrimination
Use synonyms
, and the eligible
employees
Use synonyms
 will not get the job
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
they deserve.
For example
Linking Words
, in India,
while
Linking Words
 recruiting
companies
Use synonyms
 only choose
employees
Use synonyms
 who are working for them
at
Change preposition
for at
show examples
 least 5 years.
This
Linking Words
 trend restricts other eligible candidates
to get
Change preposition
from getting
show examples
 their desired jobs and fosters
discrimination
Use synonyms
. If long-term
employees
Use synonyms
 only get
promotion
Fix the agreement mistake
promotions
show examples
,
companies
Use synonyms
 will not get their required skilled
employees
Use synonyms
. There might be some other talented and skilled applicants outside of the
company
Use synonyms
 who might possess vast experience and skills from other
comanies
Correct your spelling
companies
 than those who
are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 working for a long
time
Use synonyms
 in that
company
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, in Bangladesh, many
companies
Use synonyms
 cannot get their desired
emplyees
Correct your spelling
employees
because many people who work for a long
time
Use synonyms
 in those
companies
Use synonyms
 generally get promotions, and a lot of applicants from the outside whose skills and experience suit the
company
Use synonyms
 do not get places in that
company
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, I completely disagree that
companies
Use synonyms
 should hire
employees
Use synonyms
 from their own
companies
Use synonyms
. who
are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 working for so long
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
 It actually fosters
discrimination
Use synonyms
 and makes it difficult for
companies
Use synonyms
 to find appropriate
employees
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to provide more varied examples to back up your points. Using examples from multiple countries or industries could enhance the task response score.
task achievement
Aim to elaborate further on your examples and link them more explicitly to your arguments to increase clarity and enhance the thoroughness of the response.
coherence cohesion
Consider adding clearer topic sentences to each paragraph to further strengthen the logical progression of ideas.
task achievement
The essay clearly states a position and supports it consistently throughout.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph has a clear point and is relevant to the main argument.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion present a clear argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: