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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The pie graphs below show the result of survey of children’s activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate

The pie graphs below show the result of survey of children’s activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate
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The two given pie charts serves
the
Change preposition
as the
show examples
 data following the observation of kids’ daily life. It is determined in two circles based on genders: boys and
girls
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 the variables are around free time and usual activities. All in all, both of the charts show several activities that interest children. Some of them get big proportions yet few get least of it.
Linking Words
Furthermore
Add a comma
,Furthermore
show examples
 the boys have a big interest in sport and technology,
while
Linking Words
 the
girls
Use synonyms
 own more interest in dancing and
academic
Fix the agreement mistake
academics
show examples
. Computer games, which
part
Add a missing verb
are part
show examples
 of technological hobbies, get the highest amount of proportion in
boys’
Correct article usage
the boys’
show examples
 graph (34%). The number is followed by the one from basketball
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
reaching 26%.
On
Change preposition
In
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
third place, there is Soccer with 17%, and skateboarding
11
Change preposition
with 11
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%. Listening is
also
Linking Words
 part of the choices and gets 10% of the percentages. Meanwhile, reading is
on
Correct your spelling
one
show examples
 the least of them which only gets 2%. Compared to the boys’, the
girls
Use synonyms
’ chart depicts the biggest amount of slice in dancing (27%), and reading, which is the lowest on the other chart, gets the second place here with 21% of
proportion
Add an article
the proportion
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, only 16% of
girls
Use synonyms
 do computer games
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their leisure
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
.
In addition
Linking Words
, the fourth place is occupied by Netball (15%) and followed by Gymnastics (11%).
Moreover
Linking Words
, listening to music
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 has
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 same amount (10%) either the boys or the
girls
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words girls with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportions" was used 3 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • participate
  • cultural activities
  • leisure activities
  • pie graphs
  • survey
  • boys
  • girls
  • comparison
  • participation
  • overall
  • similarities
  • differences
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