IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

do young people today make good use of their leisure time? or do they spend too much time watching television and playing video games, instead of taking part in more productive activities?

#people #leisure #time #television #video #games #part #activities
Leisure
 is the
time
 that
people
 can enjoy their free
time
 and do the things they like. They can relax, rest, and enjoy life after
do
Change the verb form
doing
show examples
 their everyday
activities
such
 as working, studying, and
house work
Correct your spelling
housework
show examples
. For young
peoploe
Correct your spelling
people
,
leisure
time
 is important because it can
increase
 creativity,
physical
Correct word choice
and physical
show examples
 and mental health.
Therefore
, they use their
leisure
time
 in a good way.
On the other hand
, many
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
young
people
 choose watching
television
 and playing
video
games
 as their
leisure
activities
. In my opinion,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching
television
 and playing
video
games
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
makes our
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 and body feel
relax
Wrong verb form
relaxed
show examples
, refresh, and recharge. Another reason why young
people
loves
Correct subject-verb agreement
love
show examples
 to
watching
Wrong verb form
watch
show examples
television
because
Add a missing verb
is because
show examples
 they can learn new things and
increase
knowledge
Correct pronoun usage
their knowledge
show examples
.
Other
Change the wording
Another
show examples
 reason is these
activities
 feel enjoyable and entertaining. But, it is very important to balance it with other
activities
. Too much watching
television
 and playing
video
games
 can have a negative effect,
increase
 anxiety, and affect their mental health. Some expert says
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching
television
 or playing
video
games
just
Change preposition
for just
show examples
 one hour per day. If more than that, it will affect and
increase
 heart disease.
However
, many
people
 say that it is better to do
a productive
Correct the article-noun agreement
productive activities
a productive activity
show examples
activities
 rather than watching
television
 and playing
video
games
. Because it will be more beneficial or have a good improvement to life.
Some
Correct determiner usage
An
show examples
 example that a lot of
people
 consider
as
Correct your spelling
a
show examples
 productive
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
show examples
 is exercise. It can burn calories and makes the body more healthy. In conclusion, young
people
 use their
leisure
time
 in a great way. They choose to
watching
Change the verb
watch
show examples
television
 and
playing
Wrong verb form
play
show examples
video
games
 in their
leisure
time
 which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them feel
relax
Wrong verb form
relaxed
show examples
 and recharge.
Neverthless
Correct your spelling
Nevertheless
, many
people
 think that they should do more productive
activities
instead
 of just sitting in a chair or couch.
Submitted by natashasulaemann on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: