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Writing Samples
Band 5

The graphs show figures relating to hours worked and stress levels amongst professionals in eight groups

The graphs show figures relating to hours worked and stress levels amongst professionals in eight groups
#graphs #show #figures #hours #stress #levels #professionals #eight #groups
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The bar
chart
Use synonyms
 mentioned at first compare and contrast the hour per
week
Use synonyms
 surveyed in 8
difference
Replace the word
different
show examples
 jobs
while
Linking Words
 the pie
chart
Use synonyms
 talked
secondly
Linking Words
 illustrated the
level
Use synonyms
 of
stress
Use synonyms
 faced in every 8 occupations. Generally speaking,
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
in the first
chart
Use synonyms
, businessmen face the longest schedule in work per
week
Use synonyms
. The lectures go through the heaviest
level
Use synonyms
 of
stress
Use synonyms
 in the pie
chart
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, when the first
chart
Use synonyms
 about the average hours of working per
week
Use synonyms
 for eight professionals is taken into consideration. It can be seen that businessmen have to spend time the most
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
while
Linking Words
 lectures show the shortest schedule
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 work (70% and 25% respectively).
Moreover
Linking Words
, the time percentage of movie producers per
week
Use synonyms
 (60%) accounted for double as high as (double to) chefs (30%). Those four
remains
Wrong verb form
remaining
show examples
occupation
Fix the agreement mistake
occupations
show examples
 – doctors, writers, programmers, and lawyers made up around 40 hours every
week
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, looking at the pie
chart
Use synonyms
 about the
level
Use synonyms
 of
stress
Use synonyms
 related to distinct jobs. We can clearly see that the lecture is the job whose
stress
Use synonyms
level
Use synonyms
account
Fix the agreement mistake
accounts
show examples
 for the highest proportion at
one fourth
Add a hyphen
one-fourth
show examples
 (25%) in the
chart
Use synonyms
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, programmers only have to endure the lightest
level
Use synonyms
 of
stress
Use synonyms
 at 5%.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the figure for chefs and businessmen made up around 10 to 11% respectively. Particularly,
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 similar pattern
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 seen
not
Change preposition
in not
show examples
 only
writers
Change preposition
in writers
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
lawyers
Change preposition
in lawyers
show examples
, taking up
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
8%.
Finally
Linking Words
, movie producers stood out
as
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
second place in the
chart
Use synonyms
 (18%),
following
Wrong verb form
followed
show examples
 by doctors at 15%.
Submitted by dongdangnguyensi on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "moreover, while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Replace the words chart, week, level, stress with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 8 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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