IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart shows the percentage of males and females aged 18-20 in a city who participated in a various activities in nine month in 2015

The bar chart shows the percentage of males and females aged 18-20 in a city who participated in a various activities in nine month in 2015
#bar #percentage #males #females #city #activities #nine #month
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The bar chart makes a comparison between the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
males
Use synonyms
 and
females
Use synonyms
 aged 18-20 in a city who participated in 5 activities (basketball, cycling, football, swimming, hockey) in nine months in 2015.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
males
Use synonyms
participated
Correct pronoun usage
who participated
show examples
 in various activities
higher
Add a missing verb
was higher
show examples
 than
the
Correct determiner usage
that
show examples
Use synonyms
females
Change preposition
of females
show examples
. The
males
Use synonyms
 participated the most
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 football
while
Linking Words
 the
females
Use synonyms
 participated in cycling.
In contrast
Linking Words
, both the
males
Use synonyms
 and
females
Use synonyms
 participated the least
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 hockey. A deep analysis of the bar chart provided reveals the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
males
Use synonyms
participated
Wrong verb form
participating
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 football is highest with around 52%.
Next,
Linking Words
the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
males
Use synonyms
participated
Correct pronoun usage
who participated
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 basketball
higher
Add a missing verb
was higher
show examples
 than the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
males
Use synonyms
 with around 33%. Meanwhile,
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 hockey, the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
males
Use synonyms
higher
Add a missing verb
is higher
show examples
 than the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
females
Use synonyms
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 around 12%. It is noticeable that the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
females
Use synonyms
participated
Correct pronoun usage
who participated
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 cycling
slightly
Add a missing verb
was slightly
show examples
 more than the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
males
Use synonyms
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 around 40%.
In addition
Linking Words
, the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
females
Use synonyms
participated
Wrong verb form
participating
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 swimming is higher than the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
males
Use synonyms
 with around 35%.
Submitted by yeshomeclass on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Introduction: The introduction is missing.
▼
Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 75%.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, males, females with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 11 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 5 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: