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Writing Samples
Band 6

WORK: Most high level positions in companies are filled by men, even though the workforce in many developed countries consists of 50 percent female workers. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of management positions to women. Discuss, what is your opinion?

#work #level #positions #companies #men #workforce #countries #percent #workers #percentage #management #women
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In developed countries, most of the higher position and
responsabilities
Correct your spelling
responsibilities
 in
Correct article usage
the compagny
show examples
compagny
Correct your spelling
company
 are filled by
men
,
although
 the workforce
consist
Change the verb form
consists
show examples
 of
half
Add an article
the half
show examples
 female worker. In my opinion, society
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 to make rules to allocate a higher percentage of
women
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
level
Add an article
a level
show examples
 position. Nowadays, with social media, some problems like the higher positions in
Correct article usage
the compagny
show examples
compagny
Correct your spelling
company
 which is exclusively
reserve
Wrong verb form
reserved
show examples
 for
men
, can't be hidden by society. Many
women
would
Correct pronoun usage
who would
show examples
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
do a better
carriere
Correct your spelling
career
 are stopped by hierarchy.
Women
 who got the same cursus,
as
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 same skills as
men
, have less chance to obtain the higher
responsabilities
Correct your spelling
responsibilities
. In some
country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
show examples
 like Germany, a woman became president of the
replublic
Correct your spelling
republic
 or in
Europ
Correct your spelling
Europe
show examples
, The united state or Australia many
women
 are
multimillionnaire
Correct your spelling
multimillionaire
multimillionaires
multi millionnaire
,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 means they can do
when
Correct word choice
what
show examples
 they have a chance to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
.
Moreover
, it is important to mix the genre in
Correct article usage
the compagny
show examples
compagny
Correct your spelling
company
 because
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 bring happiness,
relaxation
Correct word choice
and relaxation
show examples
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the team,
also
Correct word choice
and also
show examples
 they have
an other
Correct your spelling
another
show examples
 perception of the business, with different
negociation
Correct your spelling
negotiation
 skills.
In addition
,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the biggest
excuses
Fix the agreement mistake
excuse
show examples
 from
men
 about missing numbers of
women
 in
compagny
Correct your spelling
company
 is
due to
 the fact they got pregnant and
absent
Add a missing verb
were absent
show examples
 for maternity during a long period. Even though is true,
become
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
mother
Correct article usage
a mother
show examples
bring
Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
show examples
 you
many
Replace the quantifier
much
show examples
 skill as adaptability,
compasion
Correct your spelling
compassion
, management,
Correct word choice
and open-minded
show examples
open-minded
Replace the word
open-mindedness
show examples
. I have the example in my previous
compagny
Correct your spelling
company
, which are
lead
Wrong verb form
led
show examples
 by
woman
Correct article usage
a woman
show examples
, the different
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 of
negociation
Correct your spelling
negotiation
 she had, and
men
 who never used to
negociate
Correct your spelling
negotiate
 with
women
 felt surprised.
To sum up
,
comapny
Correct your spelling
company
 have to reflect
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. If you have
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half part of
women
Correct article usage
the women
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the workforce,
men
 have to allocate
position
Fix the agreement mistake
positions
show examples
 for them. Don't forget the most important, every person
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
 earth have birth by
woman
Correct article usage
a woman
show examples
 and upbringing to become who they are, it is not the best proof of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
women
 's talent
?
Change the punctuation
.
show examples
Submitted by tony.vantroo on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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