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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The three pie charts show the production, consumption of coffee and where the profit goes around the world.

The three pie charts show the production, consumption of coffee and where the profit goes around the world.
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The charts depict the production country, consumption and
the
Correct article usage
apply
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profit usage of
coffee
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 around the world.
overall
Linking Words
, it shows that European countries consume the most
coffee
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 compared
the
Change preposition
to the
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 others and most of the
beans
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, 44% of them, are produced in South Africa.
Additionally
Linking Words
, more than half of
coffee
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 business profits go to delivery from its resources
to
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all over the world.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, America
also
Linking Words
 loves
coffee
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, proven by 37% consumption of
beans
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 worldwide.
While
Linking Words
 Japanese people
also
Linking Words
drinks
Change the verb form
drink
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coffee
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, the country actually produces 18% of
world's
Correct article usage
the world's
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coffee
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. Meanwhile, Indonesia contributes
on
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27% of producing
coffee
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beans
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 and Vietnam with their 16% share.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, most profits from
Use synonyms
coffee
Correct article usage
the coffee
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 business actually
goes
Change the verb form
go
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 to delivery which is a whopping 51% of them. Almost a quarter of them
goes
Correct subject-verb agreement
go
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 to retailers and 10% of them go the the exporter.
Finally
Linking Words
, the producers of
coffee
Use synonyms
beans
Use synonyms
 only receive 15 of the business profit.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words coffee, beans with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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