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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
#bar #percentage #australian #men #women #groups #activity
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The diagram demonstrates the
percent
Replace the word
percentage
show examples
 of both male and female Australian citizens, who exercised regularly in 2010. From an
overall
Linking Words
 perspective, young
men
Use synonyms
 (between 15 and 24 years old) are the most
age
Use synonyms
 group to exercise among all males.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
elder
Correct your spelling
older
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 women (
average
Correct article usage
an average
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 of 50 years) play sports more consistently than younger ones. Observing the details, the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of males keeps fluctuating all over the
age
Use synonyms
 groups. In fact,
men
Use synonyms
 start exercising regularly at a young
age
Use synonyms
, but
then
Linking Words
 in older
age
Use synonyms
 groups,
this
Linking Words
percentage
Use synonyms
 decreases till it reaches 45.1% after it was 52.8% in the beginning. Surprisingly, when
men
Use synonyms
become
Verb problem
are
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 65 and over, they do sports more often.
That is
Linking Words
 why we can see that the number starts to rise
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
again to 46.7%. Women are completely the opposite;
Use synonyms
percentage
Correct article usage
the percentage
show examples
 of those who exercise is the smallest for both these
age
Use synonyms
 groups: (15 to 24) and (65 and over).
In other words
Linking Words
, females start with a low
percentage
Use synonyms
 - 47.7%.
Then
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 number keeps climbing steadily until it reaches a peak of 53.3%, followed by a mild decline to 47.1%
at
Change preposition
in
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 the final
age
Use synonyms
 group. In conclusion, the chart stresses
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
an important point, which is simply that
men
Use synonyms
's behaviour is opposite to that of women.
Submitted by menagouda24 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, age, percentage with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reaches" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age groups
  • Percentage
  • Gender comparison
  • Leisure time
  • Health awareness
  • Bar chart
  • Work-life balance
  • Life stages
  • Engagement
  • Motivation
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Public health policy
  • Fitness programs
  • Data analysis
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