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Writing Samples /
Band 5

It is believed that people should choose their jobs based on income in order to provide security for their families. Do you agree that salary is an important factor when choosing a job? What factors should be considered?

#people #jobs #income #security #families #salary #factor #job #factors
It must be self-convince that it is essential to concentrate on not only health programs but
also
education
.
In other words
, improving educational levels means more and more chances for inhabitants to reach success in any aspect easily. Schools can focus on not only theory but
also
 practices and soft skills in order to let the young generation be capable of tackling all the issues in the real world.
Moreover
, every continent and nation requires a higher level of
education
. By doing that, most of the global problems nowadays can be solved in the future
such
 as world hunger, environmental issues, poverty, and so on. One specific example to support the point about the importance of
education
 is that studies have shown that countries with higher literacy rates and better-educated populations tend to have lower rates of poverty, better health outcomes, and stronger economies.
For instance
,
according to
 the United Nations Development Programme, countries with higher levels of
education
 have higher levels of human development, which includes factors
such
 as income, life expectancy, and access to basic services.So we all know that VietNam has a medium educational level so it's obvious that upgrading the
education
 system is crucial. If it can be done, VietNam will have the ability
as well as
 the possibility to gain success and turn into a developed country, having opportunities to compete with other nations.

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task achievement
You did not directly address the original prompt about salary being an important factor when choosing a job, which affects your category of Task Achievement. To improve, make sure to read the essay question carefully and directly respond to all parts of the task.
coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion which are essential for framing your argument and summarizing your main points. This significantly impacts the coherence and cohesion of your essay. Introduce the topic, present a clear position, and conclude by summarizing your arguments or restating your position.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay needs improvement. Develop a clear paragraph structure with each paragraph containing a single main idea that is elaborated upon. Sequence your ideas logically and make sure each paragraph flows smoothly to the next with appropriate linking devices.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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