IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

We should introduce laws to make businesses and state services employ equal numbers of male and female workers in every department or area of the company.’How far do you support this idea? Give reasons for your answer, and support your essay with ideas and examples from your own experience.You should write at least 250 words.

#laws #businesses #services #numbers #workers #department #area #company #’how #support #idea
In
this
 day and age, The introduction of
laws
 to ensure equality between
men
 and
women
 in
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 is a controversial issue, some people believe that enacting
such
laws
 is unnecessary.
However
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 firmly believe that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
this
 is necessary to solve the problem of gender imbalance in
laborand
Correct your spelling
labor and
 in
this
 essay, I will shed light on my opinion in the following essay. On the one hand, it is important to acknowledge that gender imbalances in the
workforce
 are a real problem.
Firstly
, In the current era of development,
women
 are still not represented in many fields, especially in senior positions.
This
 not only reflects ethically, but it
also
 has an economic impact because if the
company
 has a diverse
workforce
, it will help the
company
 better understand and serve customer needs.
For example
, when consulting customers, we need both
men
 and
women
 to more easily approach customers.
On the other hand
,
while
 some argue that introducing
laws
 to ensure equal representation of male and female workers could be counterproductive, I believe that
this
 is not necessarily the case.
Although
 it may be difficult for the
company
 to select the
workforce
 at
first,
this
 can help the business get more good ideas from the
workforce
, which can help the
company
developing
Wrong verb form
develop
show examples
 more.
However
, it cannot be denied that more
women
 are needed in child care, just as in construction, more
men
 are needed.
To sum up
, I believe that introducing
laws
 to ensure equality in the
workforce
 of
men
 and
women
 is a necessary step in creating a more diverse and successful
workforce
.
Although
 there will be many challenges, in the long
run
Add the comma(s)
run,
show examples
 it will create profits for the business.
Submitted by quynhtranhbh on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear and logical structure with distinct paragraphs for introduction, main points, and conclusion. Aim for a more cohesive progression of ideas.
task achievement
Address the prompt fully, including all parts of the task. Expand your ideas thoroughly and provide clearer, more developed arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: