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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Employers should give longer holidays to employees to encourage them to work harder. Do you agree?

#employers #holidays #employees #work
It is thought that head managers have to offer a long
holiday
 for employees in
order
 to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 their complex tasks. In
this
 essay,
this
 topic will be discussed
in addition
 to my opinion.
To begin
 with, a lot of companies don't give a long
holiday
 for their
stuff
Correct your spelling
staff
show examples
 in
order
 to keep their profits secure. So as not to suffer from lack of profits
this
 approach is followed by
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
plenty of working organisations. To illustrate
this
, take a clear example in China, cutdown of leisure time are widely used in
order
 to get a huge
a mount
Correct your spelling
amount
show examples
 of living. Not only
this
 but the stipend in
holiday
 seasons is a handful,as well. All of these make the
employee
Fix the agreement mistake
employees
show examples
 work hard as much as they can in
order
 to compensate
this
Change preposition
for this
show examples
 gap.
However
, despite
this
Add a comma
this,
show examples
 I am inclined to think neither. Regarding
long
Correct article usage
the long
show examples
holiday
, it's not justified to restrict it.
This
 is because
this
 sort of
holiday
 brings about positive impacts for both employees and working institutions. In
order
 to clarify
this
 , a significant
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of workers
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
suffer from stress
as well as
 anxiety which are to
extent
Correct article usage
an extent
show examples
 caused by
lack
Correct article usage
the lack
show examples
 of holidays. So as to the given reasons, what
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
the governments and head managers have to do
are
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 expand the
holiday
 period in
order
 not to stuck from incapacitated staff.
For instance
, in my country, some of the major companies struggle with debts because of the given reasons.
Hence
, I am fairly certain a significant profits of companies are partially
due to
 the mentioned solution. In a nutshell,
thorough
Correct your spelling
through
show examples
 the analysis of
this
 subject, it is obvious the advantages of long leisure outweigh its disadvantages,
according to
 the aforementioned justifications.
Submitted by nadeenelkenawy4425 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks clear logical structure which hinders the overall coherence. Consider using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph and ensure that all sentences within that paragraph support the central idea.
coherence cohesion
An introduction and conclusion are present, but they should be more impactful and effectively encapsulate the main points of the essay. The introduction should clearly state the topics to be discussed and your stance, while the conclusion should effectively summarise the arguments without introducing new ideas.
coherence cohesion
While main points are supported to an extent, the support offered is not consistently clear or elaborated upon. Aim to provide more detailed explanations and justifications for each point made, along with supporting evidence or examples.
task achievement
The response does not fully satisfy all parts of the task. There seems to be an attempt to answer the question and express a viewpoint, but it is not consistently clear throughout the essay. The response must be directly relevant to the prompt given and the position must be clear throughout.
task achievement
The ideas are somewhat clear but lack comprehensive analysis and depth. Aim to expand on ideas with more complex structures and precise vocabulary to convey your arguments more comprehensively.
task achievement
The use of examples is promising, but their development is missing depth and clarity. Aim to select relevant and specific examples that strongly support the claims being made, and provide a clear link between the example and the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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