IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The process below shows the production of sugar by a German company for supermarkets and restaurants. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the key features and make comparisons where relevant.

#process #production #sugar #german #company #supermarkets #restaurants #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The given process illustrates how
sugar
 is manufactured for supermarkets and restaurants. Looking from an
overall
 perspective, the making of
sugar
 consists of 4 main stages, starting with initial harvesting, followed by the extraction, filtration and processing of juice and finishing with the
sugar
 being delivered to consumer stores. The cycle commences with sugarcane being harvested in tropical regions.
Next,
they are put through a crusher and sugarcane juice is extracted. In the next stage of the process, the juice is introduced to a partial filter to collect raw
sugar
 which is
then
 shipped to Germany by planes. Once in Germany, raw
sugar
 undergoes a secondary purification process which requires melting and filtering to eradicate any undesired impurities or contaminants. After that, the purified
sugar
 is turned into syrup and
then
 condenses into
sugar
 crystals.
Subsequently
, the
sugar
 crystals are dried by fans spinning at high speed and
sugar
 is formed. It is
then
 packed into small bags before being transported to German supermarkets and restaurants by trucks.
Submitted by tranbaongoc231007 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a logical structure, but there are opportunities for clearer transitions and more varied connective phrases to enhance the flow of information.
coherence cohesion
An introduction and conclusion are provided; however, they lack a full and clear paraphrasing of the process and a conclusive statement, respectively. Aim to refine these elements to improve the presentation of information.
coherence cohesion
While the main points are presented, they could be more fully supported with specific details regarding the process steps and components. Consider adding more in-depth explanation for each stage.
task achievement
You have covered all the steps in the process and the response was complete. However, aim for a more detailed depiction of the process to fully satisfy the task.
task achievement
There's coherence in the presented ideas, but the task could benefit from a clearer structure that distinctively marks each step with comprehensive details.
task achievement
You used generalized examples when specific ones were needed. Work on providing more relevant specificity to support the various stages detailed in the process.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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