'We should introduce laws to make businesses and state services employ equal numbers of male and female workers in every department or area of the company.' How far do you support this idea? Give reasons for your answer, and support your essay with ideas and examples from your own experience.

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It is a common belief that governments should promulgate disciplines on enterprises and government provisions about balancing the quantities of men and women in the workforce. It seems advantageous to remove sex discrimination,
however
, the disadvantages of
this
issue completely outweigh the advantages. The following essay will shed light on both viewpoints.
To begin
with,
this
intent is unrealistic since depending on the nature of the jobs and their requirements, some work is much more suitable for females than males and vice versa.
For example
, almost all teachers in preschools are female. Simply because,
this
employment requires benevolence, patience, and the ability to take care of someone,
by contrast
, it is a difficult dream for a female with a pilot job.
As a result
, corporations can emerge phenomenon that lack skilled people and labor source.
Besides
that, when authorities publicize
this
rule, firms must fire some employees to obey
this
law.
Therefore
, some talented and hard-working workers can dismissed. Thence, politicians had better encourage
instead
of announcing statutes.
Consequently
, discrimination gender can limited,
moreover
, it
also
creates various opportunities for females. In conclusion, the benefit of
this
principle is to decrease distinctions in society, notwithstanding detrimental exceed
such
as many versed
laborers
Change the spelling
labourers
show examples
can extrude and mess up the community.
Submitted by quynhtranhbh on

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coherence cohesion
Develop a more consistent logical structure throughout your essay, ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next, for a more cohesive argument.
coherence cohesion
Introduce your essay with a clear thesis statement that outlines the upcoming discussion, and ensure your conclusion summarises the key points without introducing new information.
task achievement
Support your main points with specific examples. You mentioned teachers and pilots, which is a good start, but could be expanded upon for a more persuasive argument.
task achievement
Fully respond to the task by addressing all parts of the prompt. Ensure your opinion on the subject is clear throughout the essay and particularly in your conclusion.
task achievement
Work on clear and comprehensive development of ideas. While some points are made, they need to be more developed, logically explained, and analyzed for a higher score in task achievement.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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