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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
#bar #percentage #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity
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The
given
Verb problem
apply
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pie chart highlights the percentage of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
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 in various
age
Use synonyms
 groups in Austria who
consistently
Add a missing verb
were consistently
show examples
 involved in physical exercise in 2010 .
The
Change preposition
In the
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 following graphs there are no special trends observed. All categories are below 55%.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, male participants in the 15 to 23 years
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 accounted
Change preposition
for
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just over 50%
whereas
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 females are responsible
47.7
Change preposition
for 47.7
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%.
Then
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 both
25
Correct article usage
the 25
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 to 34
age
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
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 men and women
are remain
Change the verb form
remain
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 under 50 %.
Linking Words
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
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 in the
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 35 to 44 female participants are less interested in attending physical
activistes
Correct your spelling
activities
 which is only 50%
while
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 males
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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accounted for as usual
others
Fix the agreement mistake
other groups
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group
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
 from 45 to 54 and 55 to 64 years old people indicate the same ratio of physical exercise.
On the contrary
Linking Words
 Australian senior citizens
those
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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who are above 65 or more have almost equal
number
Fix the agreement mistake
numbers
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 of exercise for both males and females which are
respectively
Rephrase
apply
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46.7% and 47.1%. In
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
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 it’s clear that half of
Australian
Add an article
the Australian
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 population is interested in exercising at any
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
. And there is no big difference albeit
women's
Change noun form
women
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 are considered
ti
Correct your spelling
to
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 be a
ittle
Correct your spelling
little
 bit more active than men.
Submitted by tanvir0507 on

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Contractions: Don't use contractions.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words age, group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
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