Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?
Behavioural changes regarding watching videos with content
violence
and playing computer games is
getting a big concern among some Change the verb form
are
people
,because,dangerous actions have been seen after these programs ,however
, opponents have been
claimed these effects are too small or these are not Unnecessary verb
apply
a
real source of behavioural changes ,Correct article usage
apply
however
, I agree with the first idea that violence
contents on media have been affected on human mood and behaviour ,so , I will explain more.
First , Human cognitive performances are sensitive to input information that they observe and hear ,after that ,their intellectual functions are investigated and produce output as action and affection ,for example
, a vast majority of research studies have shown that when young people
play some video games like snippers ,their sleeping patterns fluctuate and educational performances have been dropped ,however
, we must conclude cautiously that sleep pattern is the multifactorial disorders and might be vided games are not a sole factor to push violate.
Second,
TV programs have an essential impact on our attitude and ideas regarding living in a society , for example
, when an individual wakes up in the morning and during their own breakfast listen to the news that is
filled with war crisis around the world and might happen suddenly in this
area ,so , it is clear that
nobody can organize own thought and actions without any stress .
On another side, opponents have claimed that our intellectual ability can conquer every negative fact and keep away with sensible actions, while
, there is a part of our society that could be able to neglect violence
and harmful behaviours on their memories ,likewise
, chronic disorders are rise .
In conclusion, according to
research studies around the world, scientists have assumed that violence
is not useful for adding to our TV shows for all people
and these are limited and used for people
that
must watch as medication.Correct pronoun usage
who
Submitted by h.ebrahimi66 on
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Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear and well-organized structure. Introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion should be distinctly separated and flow logically from one to the other. In future essays, ensure that you have a clear introduction that presents the topic, followed by body paragraphs that each tackle a single point, and finish with a concise conclusion that summarizes your arguments
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion of your essay need to clearly state your position on the matter. Both should be presented in a manner that encapsulates the core argument of your essay effectively. In your introduction, mention the two contrasting views and directly state your opinion. In your conclusion, restate your opinion using different wording to reinforce your argument
Task Achievement
Your essay does provide some examples to support its points but often fails to fully develop or explain these examples. When presenting examples, make sure they are directly related to your argument and clearly illustrate your point. You should also aim to fully elaborate on how the example supports your argument.
Task Achievement
Your task response partially addresses the prompt, but your position needs to be clearly and consistently presented throughout the essay. Your argument seems to waver and is not clearly stated, which can confuse the reader. Ensure that your opinion is clear from the start and is maintained consistently throughout your essay. All parts of the prompt should be addressed and developed with relevant ideas and supported by examples
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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