IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the proportion of staff employed by age in the public sector in the UK in 2015 and 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below shows the proportion of staff employed by age in the public sector in the UK in 2015 and 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#proportion #staff #age #sector #uk #summarise #information #features #comparisons
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The pie charts depict the ratio of employed staff by
age
 in the government sector of the UK in 2015 and 2020.
Overall
, it is readily apparent that
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
group
 of 21-30 and over 50 were
highest
Correct article usage
the highest
show examples
 employed in 2015, latter only
group
 of 21-30 in 2020 and
group
Correct article usage
the group
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
under 21 was
lowest
Correct article usage
the lowest
show examples
 in both years.
In contrast
, the share of
21
Correct article usage
the 21
show examples
-30,
41
Correct word choice
and 41
show examples
-50
age
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 elevated, and the contribution of
under
Correct article usage
the under
show examples
 21, 31-40 and over 50
group
Change to a plural noun
groups
show examples
 plummeted in the given period.
Turing
Correct your spelling
Turning
show examples
 to details, the share of
under
Correct article usage
the under
show examples
 21
age
group
 was 14
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 2015, which dropped to 12
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 2020, Moving
further
, the employed ratio of
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
group
 between 21-30 was 23
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 2015, which surged to 33% in 2020.
Furthermore
, staff
employee
Fix the agreement mistake
employees
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
group
 31-40 was 21% in 2015, which nosedived to 11% in 2020.
In addition
,
ratio
Add an article
the ratio
a ratio
show examples
 of staff of
age
 41-50 was 19% in 2015, which elevated to 28% in 2020.
Lastly
,
share
Add an article
the share
show examples
 of
employee’s
Change noun form
employees
show examples
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
over 50
age
 declined to 16% in 2020 from 23 % in 2015.
Submitted by mayurodedra.40st on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words age, group with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "ratio" was used 3 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: