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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the proportion of staff employed by age in the public sector in the UK in 2015 and 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below shows the proportion of staff employed by age in the public sector in the UK in 2015 and 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The pie charts depict the ratio of employed staff by
age
Use synonyms
 in the government sector of the UK in 2015 and 2020.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is readily apparent that
Use synonyms
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 of 21-30 and over 50 were
highest
Correct article usage
the highest
show examples
 employed in 2015, latter only
group
Use synonyms
 of 21-30 in 2020 and
Use synonyms
group
Correct article usage
the group
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
under 21 was
lowest
Correct article usage
the lowest
show examples
 in both years.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the share of
21
Correct article usage
the 21
show examples
-30,
41
Correct word choice
and 41
show examples
-50
age
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 elevated, and the contribution of
under
Correct article usage
the under
show examples
 21, 31-40 and over 50
Use synonyms
group
Change to a plural noun
groups
show examples
 plummeted in the given period.
Turing
Correct your spelling
Turning
show examples
 to details, the share of
under
Correct article usage
the under
show examples
 21
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 was 14
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 2015, which dropped to 12
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 2020, Moving
further
Linking Words
, the employed ratio of
Use synonyms
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 between 21-30 was 23
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 2015, which surged to 33% in 2020.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, staff
employee
Fix the agreement mistake
employees
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
Use synonyms
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 31-40 was 21% in 2015, which nosedived to 11% in 2020.
In addition
Linking Words
,
ratio
Add an article
the ratio
a ratio
show examples
 of staff of
age
Use synonyms
 41-50 was 19% in 2015, which elevated to 28% in 2020.
Lastly
Linking Words
,
share
Add an article
the share
show examples
 of
employee’s
Change noun form
employees
show examples
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
over 50
age
Use synonyms
 declined to 16% in 2020 from 23 % in 2015.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words age, group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "ratio" was used 3 times.
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