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Writing Samples
Band 6

The pie charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant

The pie charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant
#show #percentage #time #adults #activities #country #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The pie charts compare several activities
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
done by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
working adults in a certain country in 1985 and 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
, career
people
Use synonyms
 mostly
loved
Wrong verb form
love
show examples
 to spend their time
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 working
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
least
Correct article usage
the least
show examples
 of them
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
barely
hangout
Correct your spelling
hang out
show examples
 with significant others
throught
Correct your spelling
through
throughout
 the changing period. In 1958, more than one-third
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the total number of working
people
Use synonyms
 already busying themselves to finished their job, and that amount rose to 42% in 2008. Among other
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
, the same case
also
Linking Words
happen
Wrong verb form
happened
show examples
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 folks who
choose
Wrong verb form
chose
show examples
 to
relaxing
Change the verb
relax
show examples
 at home which increased by 5% from
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 total of 8%.
Although
Linking Words
 the
occassion
Correct your spelling
occasion
 on
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 to work might become the least
in
Change the preposition
at
show examples
 the beginning of the period, it increased to 8% eventually, which shared the same number with
people
Use synonyms
 who do other interests or playing sports.
In addition
Linking Words
, sleeping become the second highest activity that has
done
Add a missing verb
been done
show examples
 by working
people
Use synonyms
,
although
Linking Words
 it
decline
Wrong verb form
declined
show examples
 by 7% 50 years later. The decreasing event,
however
Linking Words
,
also
Linking Words
 occurs
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 who choose to have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
quality time with friends and family, as
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the end of
period
Add an article
the period
show examples
, the total number only accounted for 6%, making it the least activity
that is
Linking Words
 favoured by career
people
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also, although".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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