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Writing Samples
Band 7

The pie charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant

The pie charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant
#show #percentage #time #adults #activities #country #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The pie charts provide information about the percentage of
time
Use synonyms
 working youngsters doing diverse activities
such
Linking Words
 as sleeping,working,playing sports and so on in a certain country in 1958 and in 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
, the most consumed
time
Use synonyms
 activity among adults was working,followed by sleeping in 1958, which was the same after 10 years.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,almost one-third of the 24 hours mature people spent
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
working in 1958.Adults spend
also
Linking Words
 most of their
time
Use synonyms
 sleeping(32%) which was merely 1 % less than working.Going out with friends or with family members(19% of all day) are
also
Linking Words
 is considered a popular activity among juveniles.
Lastly
Linking Words
,with regard to relaxing at home,travelling to work and playing sports,teenage age people spend the least amount of
time
Use synonyms
 on these activities with
its
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
8%,2%,
6
Correct word choice
and 6
show examples
% respectively. In 2008,there were not too many
noticable
Correct your spelling
noticeable
 changes.Adults spending hours
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
working experienced an upward trend to 42% which was 9% more,compared with 1958 indicators.Both the amount of
time
Use synonyms
 in relaxing at home and
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 to work slightly increased to 13% and 8% respectively,
while
Linking Words
 the total
time
Use synonyms
 on going out with friends or sleeping plummeted.
Finally
Linking Words
,in terms of other interests or playing sports sour a little bit to 8%
Submitted by alex.martirosyan201206 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words time with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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