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Writing Samples /
Band 5

The pie charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant

The pie charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant
#show #percentage #time #adults #activities #country #summarise #information #features #comparisons
This
 pie chart depicts
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the ratio of leisure
time
 and working
time
 of
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
show examples
 in
a specific countries
Correct the article-noun agreement
specific countries
a specific country
show examples
 in
Change the article
the year
show examples
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
show examples
 1958 and 2008. It is clear from the graph that, the working
time
 at both represented less than half of
percentage
Correct article usage
the percentage
show examples
 and
its
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
modest
Change the word
modestly
show examples
 increased by only 9 % in 2008.
According to
 what is shown in 1958 working
time
 and sleeping
time
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
predominate was 32%,
33
Correct word choice
and 33
show examples
% respectively.
While
 the insignificant activity was travel to work was 2%.
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 relaxing at home was 8%
while
 the other interests or playing sports was 6%.
On the other hand
 in 2008 the percentage of working
time
 was enormous
42
Change preposition
at 42
show examples
%
In contrast
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 minor percentage was 6% in
hung
Change the form of the verb
hanging
show examples
 out with friends or Family. Identically the both activities travel to work and playing sports were 8% .
To sum up
 it could say that, in 2008
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
both
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
activities
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
 adults spend their
time
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
relaxing and
travel
Wrong verb form
travelling
show examples
 to work were
obvious
Change the word
obviously
show examples
 change
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
small
percentages
Fix the agreement mistake
percentage
show examples
.
Submitted by M on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words time with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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