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Writing Samples /
Band 2

The charts detail the proportion of Australian secondary school graduates who were unemployed, employed or further education in 1980, 1990, and 2000.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

#detail #proportion #australian #school #graduates #education #summarise #information #features #comparisons
These pie charts illustrate students’ status of jobs after
graduated
Wrong verb form
graduating
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at
Change preposition
from
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 an Australian school in 3
difference
Replace the word
different
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period
Fix the agreement mistake
periods
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 of
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
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, from 1980 to 2000.
Overall
, there
were
Change the verb form
was
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 an upward trend in students who were employed, the opposite could be seen in
further
 education. Strikingly, unemployed pupils were always the lowest. Accounting for 50%, learners engaged in advanced learning were the highest.
This
 proportion decreased significantly and
then
 continued to fall slightly to
one-thirds
Correct your spelling
one-third
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 of the total, at 37%.
In contrast
, people holding the job experienced a
gradually
Change the adverb
gradual
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 increase by 15% over 20 years. Strikingly,
this
 number made up half of students in 1990. Students who work full-time contributed
to
Change preposition
apply
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the most
at the end
 of
observed
Correct article usage
the observed
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 period,
at
Change preposition
in
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 2000. In 1080, unemployed took up the least, at 10%, equivalent to one-fifth of the highest.
Although
this
 proportion rose moderately, it decreased at reached 8%
at the end
 of the observed period.
Submitted by cathyngo1512 on

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task achievement
Ensure to use correct terminology when referring to data representations; the term 'learners engaged in advanced learning' is unclear and could be replaced with 'graduates pursuing further education.'
task achievement
Be careful with the historical data representation; the term '1080' seems to be a typographical error for '1980.' Accuracy in presenting data is crucial.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction could be more precise in introducing the data sets. Aim to clearly state what the charts represent, including the specific groups and years compared.
coherence and cohesion
Develop a logical flow by using transition words to guide the reader through your description of the charts. This will improve coherence.
coherence and cohesion
Incorrect format of numeric expressions such as '1080' instead of 1980 and inconsistent use of percentages and fractions (e.g., '50%', 'one-thirds', 'one-fifth') make the essay hard to follow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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