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Band 4.5

A government's role is only to provide defense capability and urban infrastructure, such as roads, water and power. All other services, such as education, health and social security, should be provided by private groups or individuals in the community. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#government #role #defense #capability #infrastructure #roads #water #power #services #education #health #security #groups #individuals #community
Some
considered
Wrong verb form
consider
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 government's responsibilities are limited to
supply
Wrong verb form
supplying
show examples
defense
Change the spelling
defence
show examples
cabality
Correct your spelling
capacity
capability
 and infrastructure
such
 as roads, water, and power,
while
 other services like schooling, healthcare, and social security should be provided by private sectors or
people
 in
comunities
Correct your spelling
communities
.
This
 essay will explain why I disagree with
this
 statement for two reasons.
First,
it is the
governments
Change to a genitive case
government's
governments'
show examples
 responsibility to ensure the welfare of its
people
, and
second,
services built by private sectors or each
communities
Change to a singular noun
community
show examples
 will only grow exclusivity.
Firstly
, warranting
people
's welfare is the role of the leader of the community. Each
individuals
Change noun form
individual's
show examples
 well-being
supposedly
Add a missing verb
is supposedly
show examples
guranteed
Correct your spelling
guaranteed
 by the authority from primary needs to tertiary needs. Primary needs include education, healthcare management, and social security.
This
 is to ensure that all human beings have the same rights to access and live the same quality of life. If their rights to access daily necessities are exclusive
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a certain group of
people
, it will be only a matter of time before a horizontal conflict
arise
Change the verb form
arises
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.
Morover
Correct your spelling
Moreover
, putting the development of human basic needs to private sectors will heighten the exclusivity. Not all
areas
 have the same capacity to build facilities with the same standard, so, less developed
areas
 are most likely will be left behind in terms of the
qualities
Fix the agreement mistake
quality
show examples
 of infrastructure and
equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
.
For example
: schools in suburban
areas
 most of the
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
 not have the same infrastructure and technologies as the schools in urban
areas
.
Thus
, resulting in the quality of human
resource
Fix the agreement mistake
resources
show examples
 that are produced will
also
 differ. In conclusion, I believe it is the role of
people
 in power to make sure the
people
 they lead
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 the same quality of life and access to
daly
Correct your spelling
daily
 needs as it will reduce the potential of having civil conflict, and
also
 to ensure inclusivity for all.
Submitted by talsyif.salsabila on

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Task Achievement
Your essay should comprehensively address all parts of the task, presenting a fully developed position in answer to the question. You must also ensure that your ideas are fully extended and supported by detailed and relevant examples to fully satisfy the task response criteria.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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