IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

A government's role is only to provide defence capability and urban infrastructure (roads, water supplies, etc.). All other services (education, health, social security) should be provided by private groups or individuals in the community.

#government #role #defence #capability #infrastructure #roads #water #supplies #services #education #health #security #groups #individuals #community
Some consider
government's
Correct article usage
the government's
show examples
 responsibilities
are
Change the verb form
to be
show examples
 limited to supplying defence capacity and infrastructure
such
 as roads, water, and power,
while
 other services like schooling, healthcare, and social security should be provided by private sectors or
people
 in communities.
This
 essay will explain why I disagree with
this
 statement for two reasons.
First,
it is the
governments'
Change noun form
government's
show examples
 responsibility to ensure the welfare of its
people
, and
second,
services built by private sectors or each community will only grow exclusivity.
Firstly
, warranting
people
's welfare is the role of the leader of the community. Each individual's well-being is supposedly guaranteed by the authority from primary needs to tertiary needs. Primary needs include education, healthcare management, and social security.
This
 is to ensure that all human beings have the same rights to access and live the same
quality
 of life. If their rights to access daily necessities are exclusive to a certain group of
people
, it will be only a matter of time before a horizontal conflict arises.
Moreover
, putting the development of human basic needs to private sectors will heighten the exclusivity. Not all
areas
 have the same capacity to build facilities with the same standard, so, less developed
areas
 are most likely will be left behind in terms of the
quality
 of infrastructure and types of equipment.
For example
: schools in suburban
areas
 most of the time do not have the same infrastructure and technologies as the schools in urban
areas
.
Thus
, resulting in the
quality
 of human resources that are produced will
also
 differ. In conclusion, I believe it is the role of
people
 in power to make sure the
people
 they lead have the same
quality
 of life and access to daily needs as it will reduce the potential of
having
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
civil conflict, and
also
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
ensure inclusivity for all.
Submitted by talsyif.salsabila on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
An effective essay needs a clear and fully expanded position with sufficient supporting detail. While the introduction generally presents a position, the ideas could be further expanded. The following paragraphs should be dedicated to developing each point with specific examples and clear reasoning.
coherence cohesion
The essay shows some progression with an introductory paragraph and conclusion. While it has a logical structural flow, the paragraphs could be more clearly demarcated with better topic sentences and more cohesive devices to guide the reader more naturally from one point to the next.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!