IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance. Write a report for a university

The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance. Write a report for a university
#bar #results #survey #personnel #department #company #two #groups #workers #factors #work #performance #report #university
This
 chart
show
Correct subject-verb agreement
shows
show examples
 survey
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
 made by the company department, about factors that affect work
perfurmance
Correct your spelling
performance
, and the survey split
there
Replace the word
their
show examples
employee
Fix the agreement mistake
employees
show examples
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
 2
groubs
Correct your spelling
groups
bases
Wrong verb form
based
show examples
 on
there
Replace the word
their
show examples
 ages, the first
groub
Correct your spelling
group
 between the age of 18 to 30 years old and the second
groub
Correct your spelling
group
 aged from 45 to 60.
To begin
 with,
it is clear that
 the chance for personal development is the
bigest
Change the word
biggest
show examples
 factor that
effect
Correct your spelling
affects
show examples
 job performance,when it
come
Change the verb form
comes
show examples
 to the majority of younger workers. Promotion prospects
comes
Change the verb form
come
show examples
 as the
secand
Correct your spelling
second
 highest element
effecting
Replace the word
affecting
show examples
 performance. Meanwhile,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
personal development come is
most
Correct article usage
the most
show examples
 chosen factor among
18
Correct article usage
the 18
show examples
-30
aged
Replace the word
age
show examples
 group by 85%.
however
, work
enviorment
Correct your spelling
environment
 is the least affecting factor by 30% It is
also
wroth
Correct your spelling
worth
show examples
 noting that 50% of both
group
Change to a plural noun
groups
show examples
 share the same point of view
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 when it
come
Change the verb form
comes
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
team spirit.
Submitted by neamaabdo90 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
▼
Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
▼
Basic structure: Change the fifth paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: Only 3 basic words for charts were used.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: