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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The supplied line chart compares the proportion of female employees in 4 nations, namely the US, France, Afghanistan and Korea, in 2 decades starting from 1985.

The supplied line chart compares the proportion of female employees in 4 nations, namely the US, France, Afghanistan and Korea, in 2 decades starting from 1985.
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The supplied line chart compares the proportion of female employees in 4 nations, namely the US, France, Afghanistan and Korea, in 2 decades starting from 1985.
Overall
Linking Words
, most countries saw
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 steady increase in the aforementioned rate.
However
Linking Words
, there was a sharp drop in Afghanistan’s figure and
then
Linking Words
 reached its bottom
at the end
Linking Words
 of the period. It is noticeable that the USA always took the lead
amongst
Change preposition
among
show examples
 the 4 nations throughout the period. The figure rose steadily until a slight drop was experienced in 2000 to 2005.
Although
Linking Words
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 trend of female employment percentage in Korea was similar to the USA in the first 15
years
Use synonyms
, the proportion registered was fairly lower.
Moreover
Linking Words
, Korea’s data did not decrease in the
last
Linking Words
 5
years
Use synonyms
. In terms of France, its proportion declined in the first 5
years
Use synonyms
,
at
Change preposition
from
show examples
 40% to roughly
one
Add a hyphen
one-third
show examples
third,
Linking Words
and
then
Linking Words
 rose
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
in the next 10
years
Use synonyms
. Ultimately, it observed a minor decrease again, which was registered at nearly 45%. In comparison to France, Afghanistan recorded a larger amount of fluctuation. Particularly, Afghanistan surged to 40% in 1995,
following
Wrong verb form
followed
show examples
 by a significant drop to
one tenth
Add a hyphen
one-tenth
show examples
 in 2000, and
finally
Linking Words
 reached its bottom in the
last
Linking Words
 year.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 100%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words years with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "compares" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "proportion" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "drop" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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