IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The pie charts compare the amount of online shopping sales for retail parts in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. Moreover, those are divided into four categories: travel, film/music, book, and clothes.

The pie charts compare the amount of online shopping sales for retail parts in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. Moreover, those are divided into four categories: travel, film/music, book, and clothes.
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The two pie charts illustrate the comparison of online
sales
Use synonyms
 for retail sectors that have four types
such
Linking Words
 as
travel
Use synonyms
, film/music, books and clothes in New Zealand in the
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
2003 and 2013.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that
travel
Use synonyms
 dominated
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sales
Use synonyms
 in 2003
while
Linking Words
books'
Fix the agreement mistake
book'
show examples
sales
Use synonyms
 were
fewer
Correct word choice
lower
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, in 2013, the biggest proportion was
travel
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 the lowest one was clothes.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
Use synonyms
travel
Correct article usage
the travel
show examples
 category had more than one-third
Use synonyms
sales
Change preposition
of sales
show examples
 which made
this
Linking Words
 type
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
the largest in 2003,
then
Linking Words
 fell in 2013 to 29%. Similar to clothes, almost 25% of people purchased them, but
then
Linking Words
decreasing
Wrong verb form
decreased
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 nearly 10%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 at first books were the smallest number, it kept increasing from 16% to 22% in 2013.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the raising of
this
Linking Words
 type was similar to film or music, more people chose to buy these
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
 the
sales
Use synonyms
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
greater than before.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words sales, travel with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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