The line graph below gives information about the percentage of women aged 15-64 in employment between 2003 and 2009.

The line graph below gives information about the percentage of women aged 15-64 in employment between 2003 and 2009.
The following maps illustrate the current industrial district in Norbiton city and the residential district which will be developed in the future, replacing the latter.
Overall
,
this
part of the side of Norbiton City will be undergoing massive changes, currently, it is surrounded by factories and it will all be replaced by housing and necessary facilities
such
as hospitals, schools, and shops. First of all, in the centre
area
just before the large roundabout, a new smaller roundabout will be built to control traffic flow in and out of the
area
. Just after entering the large roundabout, various shops will be put together, so the residents can buy their household items near
homes
Correct pronoun usage
their homes
show examples
. On the opposite of the new shopping
area
, southeast of the large roundabout, a new healthcare
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
will be established to provide immediate treatment for the people.
Lastly
, in the north
area
of the large roundabout, there will be a new road and a bridge constructed over the river to connect the new housing
area
beside the farmland. Meanwhile, the existing long road on the east side from the large roundabout will be surrounded by three blocks of houses and the factory on the end of the road will be demolished and replaced with a school, so the residents do not have to go all the way to the town.
Furthermore
, a spacious playground will be constructed between the
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
Vocabulary: Replace the words area with synonyms.
Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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