IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Most high level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 percent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. To what extent do you agree?

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There is an intensive debate about 50% of those who occupy the top function in poor States are males .
However
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, I totally agree with
this
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 opinion that companies must take serious stages to enable
women
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 to be in an upper management team. I believe those the later
education
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 and a lack of transparency behind
this
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 phenomenon. So , in
this
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 article, I will discuss these two reasons in detail. On one hand, a lot of third world countries have known schooling in the
last
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 fifty years.
For instance
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, In Sudan, only a few
women
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 had acknowledged teaching from 1950_1980.
Whereas
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, recently more
women
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 have been accepted to
education
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 in the
last
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 thirty years.
Moreover
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, the absence of
education
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 constitutes a real obstacle to employee
women
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 in higher
positions
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 because these occupations need more qualifications for appointment with those
positions
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. Nowadays, more and more
women
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 are receiving an
education
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, so we can use them for those jobs in the near future.
On the other hand
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, a lack of transparency is considered another barrier to
women
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's appointments.
For example
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, a large number of associates employed workers for reasons far away from their abilities.
Furthermore
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,
this
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 is a real problem with the female's
positions
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 , if there were justices in the employment process we could find a lot of
women
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 in high
positions
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.
In addition
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, these days there are more methods to control a company's management, and these methods without a doubt will be contributing to
women
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's employment.
To conclude
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, l totally agree that there are fewer
women
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 who are appointed to high
positions
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. So , a lack of
education
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 and transparency behind
this
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 process. I accept in the near future we will see a lot of
women
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 in high
positions
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 because
this
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 generation received more learning
in
Change preposition
than
show examples
 the opposite of previous generation.

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Task Achievement
To improve your score, make sure your essay directly addresses the question asked. This topic concerns developed countries, while your essay focuses on developing countries (e.g., Sudan). Directly relate your arguments to the context provided in the prompt.
Coherence & Cohesion
Structure your essay more clearly by introducing each paragraph with a topic sentence that summarizes the main point of the paragraph. Then, use supporting sentences to develop this main point further.
Task Achievement
Use specific examples to support your arguments. While you mention general situations, adding detailed examples (e.g., specific cases or statistical data) would strengthen your argumentation and make your ideas more persuasive.
Coherence & Cohesion
Check for grammatical errors and aim for variation in sentence structure. Using a mix of complex and compound sentences can make your essay more engaging.
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