IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Most high level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 percent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. To what extent do you agree?

In the corporate world, it has been noted that a sizeable amount of high-level positions are filled by men, in spite of the fact that the workforce in a lot of developed nations is more than 50% female. It is believed by some that
companies
Use synonyms
 should be mandated to allocate a specified percentage of these positions to
women
Use synonyms
.
While
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 I strongly agree that doing
this
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 will provide more
women
Use synonyms
 with as many opportunities as men to reach the highest levels possible in their careers, I believe that there should be checks and balances in place to ensure that
such
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 a mandate does not perpetuate the same imbalance it is being put in place to fight. It is important for white-collar organizations, which have long operated with a systemic prejudice against
women
Use synonyms
, to be deliberate about abolishing
this
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 misogynistic approach to workplace promotion that has marginalised
women
Use synonyms
 for so long. Mandating
companies
Use synonyms
 to allocate a certain percentage of
executive
Use synonyms
 roles to females will ensure that
women
Use synonyms
 are given a chance and supported to attain the highest levels of their careers. Doing
this
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 is tantamount to providing
women
Use synonyms
 with equal access and opportunities.
Furthermore
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,
this
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 benefits
companies
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 in the long term in terms of efficiency as
women
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 have been identified by many studies to be better managers.
For example
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, studies carried out by Harvard Business School have shown that
companies
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 that have
women
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 in managerial or
executive
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 roles have shown more growth than those that are male-dominated.
This
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 is a win-win situation for both
companies
Use synonyms
 and the female workforce.
However
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, to avoid perpetuating the same systemic imbalance it is trying to fight -
this
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 time against men, it is important to have checks and balances.
For instance
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, in a case where a man is more qualified and skilled to fill an
executive
Use synonyms
 position, it will be unfair to the man and against a business' interest to have to choose a less qualified woman solely because they are required to do so. For every system
that is
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 being instituted, equity and fairness must be considered.
To conclude
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, I strongly agree that
companies
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 should be required to allocate a sizable amount of
executive
Use synonyms
 roles to
women
Use synonyms
 but there must be checks and balances in place to ensure fairness.

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Coherence and Cohesion
To improve your score in coherence and cohesion, focus on creating a smoother flow between paragraphs by using a wider variety of linking words and phrases. Additionally, ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea, supported by relevant examples or explanations. This will enhance the logical structure of your essay.
Task Achievement
For task achievement, aim to fully address the question by exploring the topic from multiple perspectives. Ensure that your argument is well-balanced and every claim is supported by specific examples or data. Expanding on your examples with more detailed analysis could strengthen your argument and demonstrate an in-depth understanding of the topic.
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