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Band 4.5

Some believe job satisfaction is a priority for success and happiness while others think high salary is much more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#believe #job #satisfaction #priority #success #happiness #salary
Some believe
job
satisfaction
 is a priority for success and happiness
while
 others
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 think
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 salary is much more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion. In our contemporary society, there is an ongoing debate about whether
job
satisfaction
 is the most crucial factor for success, or
salary
Correct word choice
whether salary
show examples
 must be prioritized
due to
 some grounds. From my perspective, I advocate the view of those who assume that income holds greater significance in
work
 life.
This
 essay will discuss both ideas. On the one hand, feeling pleasure from a
job
 makes a person
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
persist
a
Change preposition
in a
show examples
job
 for a long time.
In other words
, individuals get easily exhausted from
work
, especially when they are part of a disinterested field. It cannot be denied that
a
Correct word choice
if a
show examples
person derives
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
great
satisfaction
 from his or her
job
, the quality and productivity of
work
 will increase directly.
Hence
, governments and companies should hire
people
 who have
interest
Correct article usage
an interest
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their sphere.
On the other hand
, as far as some
people
concerned
Add a missing verb
are concerned
show examples
, they believe that money is the meaning of life. To be more specific, financial stability provides a perfect platform that
helps
Wrong verb form
help
show examples
people
 live in
this
 modern society. Possessing and earning a great deal of money can make individuals feel comfortable and meet basic needs,
pursue
Correct word choice
and pursue
show examples
 personal goals. It paves the way for living in serenity and happiness, too.
Consequently
,
people
 prefer
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
campaigns that give a chance of getting higher salaries, regardless of
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
satisfaction
.
To sum up
,
while
 some are inclined with the viewpoint that receiving
respectable
Correct article usage
a respectable
show examples
 income is more essential,
on the contrary
, others think that
job
 contentment can generate impressive results in
work
Correct article usage
the work
show examples
 and career life of
people
.
Submitted by writingbhos on

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Task Achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure your essay more fully addresses the prompt by giving a balanced view on both opinions before clearly stating your own position. Include more specific examples to support each viewpoint.
Coherence & Cohesion
For a higher score in coherence and cohesion, work on the logical structure of your argument. Make sure each paragraph flows logically from one to the next, and use linking words effectively. Consider dividing the essay into clearer paragraphs for each viewpoint.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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