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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart gives us the information about the life expectancy in Japan, United States, Korea, and Indonesia and the table shows us the change in the life expectancy between 1953 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart gives us the information about the life expectancy in Japan, United States, Korea, and Indonesia and the table shows us the change in the life expectancy between 1953 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
#bar #information #life #expectancy #japan #states #korea #indonesia #change #summarise #features #comparisons
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The figures depict
Use synonyms
life
Correct article usage
the life
show examples
expectancy
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
of people who
born
Add a missing verb
were born
show examples
 in 2008 and
Use synonyms
growth
Correct article usage
the growth
show examples
 trend between 1953 and 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
,
first
Change the article
the first
show examples
 chart
illustrate
Change the verb form
illustrates
show examples
 that Japan is the highest, and
Indonesia
Use synonyms
 at the lowest position. Meanwhile
Use synonyms
Indonesia
Change noun form
Indonesia's
show examples
growth
Use synonyms
number
Use synonyms
 of
life
Use synonyms
expectancy
Use synonyms
in
Add a missing verb
is in
show examples
 first position. In general,
Use synonyms
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of
life
Use synonyms
expectancy
Use synonyms
 was in
range
Add an article
the range
a range
show examples
 from 70 to almost 82
years
Use synonyms
 old
Correct word choice
as depict
show examples
depict
Wrong verb form
depicted
show examples
from
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the chart. Japan has raised the most prominent
number
Use synonyms
 with
reach
Correct article usage
a reach
show examples
almost
Change preposition
of almost
show examples
 82
years
Use synonyms
.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
Indonesia
Use synonyms
in
Add a missing verb
is in
show examples
deteriorate
Change the verb form
deteriorating
show examples
 condition which
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 raised at least
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
70
years
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, Korea and
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 in
middle
Add an article
the middle
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
reached
Wrong verb form
reaching
show examples
 between 75 to 80
years
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
Indonesia
Use synonyms
 in 2008 was the lowest country for
life
Use synonyms
expectancy
Use synonyms
, the tables implied that
Indonesia
Use synonyms
 dominated
Use synonyms
growth
Add an article
the growth
show examples
 of
life
Use synonyms
expectancy
Use synonyms
 with +15,7
years
Use synonyms
 compared
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 1953.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
United
Correct article usage
the United
show examples
states
Capitalize word
States
show examples
growth
Use synonyms
+3
Add a missing verb
is +3
show examples
years
Use synonyms
 which is implied to be the lowest and higher
+0,5
Change preposition
than +0,5
show examples
years
Use synonyms
 compared with Japan.
However
Linking Words
, Korea was raised
+12,5
Change preposition
by +12,5
show examples
years
Use synonyms
 to be
nearest
Change the article
the nearest
show examples
number
Use synonyms
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
Use synonyms
Indonesia
Change noun form
Indonesia's
show examples
growth
Use synonyms
life
Use synonyms
expectancy
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words life, expectancy, growth, indonesia, number, years with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "depict" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "growth" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reach" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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