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Writing Samples
Band 4

The pie charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant

The pie charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant
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The charts demonstrate the proportion of
time
Use synonyms
 consumed by workers on various activities in one country between 1958 and 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
,
according
Linking Words
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the pie charts in both years , show
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 largest percentage
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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relaxing hours at home and working hours.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
lowest
Add an article
the lowest
show examples
 level
in
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 sleeping and spending
time
Use synonyms
 with family or friends. Regarding the pie charts in 1958 and 2008, the work represents the highest percentage (33% and 42%) , respectively .
This
Linking Words
 is followed by sleeping forms ( 32% and 25%).
While
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
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the
time
Use synonyms
 spent with family or friends demonstrated 19% in 1958 compared to 2008 was dramatically decreased to only 6%.
Similarly
Linking Words
, the
time
Use synonyms
 of chill at home in 1958 was 8%
whereas
Linking Words
 in 2008 rose sharply to 13%.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
spent
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 on other activities
such
Linking Words
 as travel to work slightly
rise
Wrong verb form
rose
show examples
 from 2% in 1958 to 8% in 2008.
In addition
Linking Words
, the playing sports was no significant change between 1958 and 2008.

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the fifth paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words time with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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