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Writing Samples
Band 7

The bar graphs illustrate the proportion of who watched reality and game shows in men and women and 16-24, 25-34, 35-44 and 45+ age groups in Australia.

The bar graphs illustrate the proportion of who watched reality and game shows in men and women and 16-24, 25-34, 35-44 and 45+ age groups in Australia.
#bar #graphs #proportion #reality #game #men #women #age #groups #australia
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The bar charts compare the proportion of Australians who watch
reality
Use synonyms
 and
game
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 shows by sex and
age
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.
Overall
Linking Words
, a higher
rate
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 of females watch
reality
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 shows than
males
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while
Linking Words
 an equal
percentage
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 of
males
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 and females watch
game
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 shows. Those over 45 watch
reality
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 and
game
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 shows the most
whereas
Linking Words
 16 to 24
age
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 groups and 25 to 34
age
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 groups watch them the least respectively. Starting with the graph of
reality
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 shows, the
rate
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 of female viewers is 70%, which is twice as much as that of
males
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.
Then
Linking Words
, the
age
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 group with the lowest
percentage
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 is 16 to 24 with slightly over 50%.
In addition
Linking Words
, there is a gradual increase in viewership as people
age
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 since approximately 60% of 25 to 34
age
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 groups watch
reality
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 shows and the
percentage
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 of viewers from 35 to 44 goes up a little higher with slightly under 70%.
Lastly
Linking Words
, those over 45 have the highest
rate
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 with just below 70%. Turning to the viewership for
game
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 shows, there is not a significant change in the rates between
males
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 and females with slightly above 60% and about 60% respectively.
First,
Linking Words
almost half of those from 16 to 24 watch
game
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 shows.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the
rate
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 of the 25 to 34
age
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 group hits the bottom at just below 40%
while
Linking Words
 that of 35 to 44 is around 40%.
Finally
Linking Words
, the highest
percentage
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 of people over 45 view
game
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 shows with slightly under 70%.
Submitted by mizuho on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words reality, game, age, rate, males, percentage with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "proportion" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 9 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "just below" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 4 times.
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