IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of both male and female people in six different age groups in Australia doing regular physical activity in 2010. The bar chart below show the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make the comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of both male and female people in six different age groups in Australia doing regular physical activity in 2010. The bar chart below show the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make the comparisons where relevant.
#bar #proportion #people #six #age #groups #australia #activity #show #percentage #australian #men #women #summarise #information #features #comparisons
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The bar chart below
show
Change the verb form
shows
show examples
 the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of Australian men and women in different
age
Use synonyms
 groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. The bar chart demonstrates the
percentage
Use synonyms
 range among genders from six different
age
Use synonyms
 groups in Australia doing regular physical activity in 2010. Generally, the graph illustrates that, from their 25’s, women got the highest percentages
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 exercising .
Firstly
Linking Words
,
15
Change preposition
from 15
show examples
 to 24,
men’s
Correct article usage
the men’s
show examples
group
Use synonyms
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
got higher percentages than
Use synonyms
women’s
Correct article usage
the women’s
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 with a little bit
difference
Change preposition
of difference
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, later,
Use synonyms
percentage
Correct article usage
the percentage
show examples
 of the
women’s
Use synonyms
band
Use synonyms
 starts to increase. In their 25
women’s
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 got 48.9% which is higher
percentages
Fix the agreement mistake
percentage
show examples
 than men’s. Later, male athletes still decrease in the
age
Use synonyms
 of 35-44 to the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of 39.5.
In
Change preposition
From
show examples
 the
age
Use synonyms
 of 45 till 54
Use synonyms
women’s
Correct article usage
the women’s
show examples
band
Use synonyms
 got the pick point on the graph with 53.3%
while
Linking Words
 the
percentage
Use synonyms
 in
male
Add an article
the male
show examples
band
Use synonyms
 started to go up little by little.
Additionally
Linking Words
, in the next
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
, dropped their superiority with
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 decline of 0.3%. After, the
percentage
Use synonyms
 in
Use synonyms
women’s
Correct article usage
the women’s
show examples
band
Use synonyms
go
Wrong verb form
went
show examples
 down a bit more,
nevertheless
Linking Words
,
Correct article usage
the males
show examples
males
Fix the agreement mistake
male
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 increased more than before. Despite that, at the
age
Use synonyms
 of 65 and over females got higher
point
Fix the agreement mistake
points
show examples
 than males with just 0.4%.
Submitted by i.nureddinn on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, age, group, women’s, band with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 9 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "go up" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: