Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

#people #violence #television #computer #games #effect #society #factors #influence #behaviour

Some are of the opinion that shows on

Correct your spelling

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and certain destructive

games

on computers have detrimental effects on society,

while

others

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contradict

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contradicts

Correct pronoun usage

contradicts this

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, saying they have mere effects on people. I strongly believe that media plays a crucial role in shaping our minds and I will explain my reasonings in the following passages.

To begin

with, technology is flourishing in leaps and bounds. Individuals are becoming more dependent on gadgets than ever before.

Hence

, we need to be watchful of what we consume digitally and electronically. In order to provide a thrilling experience to

audience

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the audience

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, directors

showcases

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showcase

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a lot of violent and horror

scenes

This

ignites the

devil

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devil's

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mind inside a person and they are tempted to recreate these

scenes

in reality. To exemplify, a study conducted by the Children's

psycology

Correct your spelling

psychology

association

Capitalize word

Association

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revealed that 90% of teenagers and young adults are influenced by their

superhero's

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superheroes

show examples

and their fight

scenes

. They copy their mannerism and behaviours to

greater

Add an article

a greater

the greater

show examples

extent. They

also

imitate fight

scenes

with their peers resulting in injuries.

Secondly

, In today's world majority of the population spends more time on their phones

hence

, they engage themselves in a plethora of

games

and activities

for

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time

pass

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passes

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. To experience an adrenaline rush many of the younger population choose to play

games

involving fight

sequence

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sequences

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This

entirely changes the way they interact with fellow humans They become more impatient, restless,

arrogant

Correct word choice

and arrogant

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and most importantly, screaming becomes normal.

For instance

, the Mental Wellness Association conducted a survey and found

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that 76

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% of people who played dangerous

games

possess more anger and are always irritable.

In addition

, they all lack compassion and love for others.

To conclude

, I agree that negative content broadcasted on Television

have

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has

show examples

adverse effects on the citizens and everyone should watch programs for recreational and relaxing purposes and not be influenced by evil content.

Submitted by u.umayal92 on Mon May 20 2024

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task achievement

The essay sufficiently addresses the topic and presents a clear opinion. However, some points could be more comprehensively developed with additional details and examples. Ensure that every point is well-explained and backed by strong evidence.

coherence cohesion

The essay follows a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, transitions between ideas could be smoother to improve overall coherence. Using more linking words and phrases could help in this regard.

introduction conclusion present

The introduction clearly states the writer's opinion and sets the stage for the arguments that follow, providing a good foundation for the essay.

relevant specific examples

The essay provides specific examples, such as the study conducted by the Children’s psychology association and the Mental Wellness Association survey, to support its arguments, which strengthens the overall argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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9Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
16Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

306 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

pivotal
desensitize
catalyst
predisposed
harmless outlet
distinguish
controlled environments
empirical research
minimal or no direct correlation
socio-economic status
predisposition

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Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

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