Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?
Some are of the opinion that shows on
Tv
and certain destructive Correct your spelling
TV
games
on computers have detrimental effects on society, while
others Change the verb form
contradict
contradicts
, saying they have mere effects on people. I strongly believe that media plays a crucial role in shaping our minds and I will explain my reasonings in the following passages.
Correct pronoun usage
contradicts this
To begin
with, technology is flourishing in leaps and bounds. Individuals are becoming more dependent on gadgets than ever before. Hence
, we need to be watchful of what we consume digitally and electronically. In order to provide a thrilling experience to audience
, directors Add an article
the audience
showcases
a lot of violent and horror Change the verb form
showcase
scenes
. This
ignites the devil
mind inside a person and they are tempted to recreate these Change noun form
devil's
scenes
in reality. To exemplify, a study conducted by the Children's psycology
Correct your spelling
psychology
association
revealed that 90% of teenagers and young adults are influenced by their Capitalize word
Association
superhero's
and their fight Change noun form
superheroes
scenes
. They copy their mannerism and behaviours to greater
extent. They Add an article
a greater
the greater
also
imitate fight scenes
with their peers resulting in injuries.
Secondly
, In today's world majority of the population spends more time on their phones hence
, they engage themselves in a plethora of games
and activities for
time Change preposition
as
pass
. To experience an adrenaline rush many of the younger population choose to play Fix the agreement mistake
passes
games
involving fight sequence
. Fix the agreement mistake
sequences
This
entirely changes the way they interact with fellow humans They become more impatient, restless, arrogant
and most importantly, screaming becomes normal. Correct word choice
and arrogant
For instance
, the Mental Wellness Association conducted a survey and found 76
% of people who played dangerous Correct word choice
that 76
games
possess more anger and are always irritable. In addition
, they all lack compassion and love for others.
To conclude
, I agree that negative content broadcasted on Television have
adverse effects on the citizens and everyone should watch programs for recreational and relaxing purposes and not be influenced by evil content.Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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task achievement
The essay sufficiently addresses the topic and presents a clear opinion. However, some points could be more comprehensively developed with additional details and examples. Ensure that every point is well-explained and backed by strong evidence.
coherence cohesion
The essay follows a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, transitions between ideas could be smoother to improve overall coherence. Using more linking words and phrases could help in this regard.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly states the writer's opinion and sets the stage for the arguments that follow, providing a good foundation for the essay.
relevant specific examples
The essay provides specific examples, such as the study conducted by the Children’s psychology association and the Mental Wellness Association survey, to support its arguments, which strengthens the overall argument.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example