IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays, some workplaces tend to employ equal numbers of men and women workers. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

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Nowadays, many companies try to increase gender diversity in the workplace , especially in developed countries which have more than 50% of
women
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employees
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.
However
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, there are few chances for
women
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 to be promoted
into
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to
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 higher
positions
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such
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 as president or director. The company should have some solutions that can reduce
this
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 gap between the
men
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 and
women
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 workforce. On the one hand, some proponents believe that the company should promote
women
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 in higher
positions
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 because
women
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 have
abilities
Correct article usage
the abilities
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 to
work
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 in leadership roles as
men
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.
For example
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, in the world of
politics
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politics,
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 there are living proofs of female empowerment
such
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 as Jacinda Arden, a former prime minister of New Zealand.
Therefore
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 the world of business should take note and follow by assigning
women
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in
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to
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 a management team. I firmly support
this
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 statement because I believe that it is a great opportunity to increase gender equality and create diversity in
work
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 environments by empowering
women
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 in higher
positions
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.
On the other hand
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, it can be argued that some careers have conditions that are suitable for
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men
Correct your spelling
male
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employees
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 rather than
women
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employees
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due to
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 physical attributes.
For instance
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, engineers who
work
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at
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apply
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the petroleum offshore may have a significant opportunity to grow in higher
positions
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 because
this
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 position requires
employees
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 to stand
by
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apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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offshore for months and have a high risk of accidents.
Therefore
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men
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employees
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 have more possibility to
work
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 in
this
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 position than
women
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.
However
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, I disagree with
this
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 perspective, the company has already prejudiced
women
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's abilities to achieve
this
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 task without giving
any
Correct pronoun usage
them any
show examples
 opportunity to try. In conclusion, it is essential for companies to strike a balance between the number of
men
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 and
women
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employees
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, and promote
women
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employees
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 to higher
positions
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 in order to build diversity in the workplace.

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic and question effectively. However, the example provided (Jacinda Arden) should have her name spelled correctly (Jacinda Ardern).
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph seamlessly connects to the next. The transitions are generally good, but they could be smoother.
task achievement
Some points could be better supported with more specific details or examples from different sectors or studies involving women in leadership.
coherence cohesion
The use of 'some solutions that can reduce this gap' in the introduction could be more clearly linked to the solutions you've actually discussed.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence cohesion
You present balanced viewpoints, discussing both the supporting and opposing perspectives.
task achievement
You have effectively supported your main points with relevant examples.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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