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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart and graph below give information about three categories of workers in Australia and the unemployment levels within those groups. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart and graph below give information about three categories of workers in Australia and the unemployment levels within those groups. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The given pie chart and line graph illustrate the components of Australia's workforce in 2003, namely workers born in Australia, those born in other English-speaking countries (
ESC
Use synonyms
), and those born in non-English-speaking ones (
NESC
Use synonyms
),
as well as
Linking Words
 display their unemployment ratio over the
period
Use synonyms
 from 1993 to 2003. From an
overall
Linking Words
 perspective, it is evident that the majority of employees were Australians.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the percentage of unemployment had declined considerably over the
period
Use synonyms
. At the beginning of the
period
Use synonyms
, the percentage of nonemployment in the
NESC
Use synonyms
 group was the highest, at nearly 8%, compared to above 4% in that of the
Autralian
Correct your spelling
Australian
. The
ESC
Use synonyms
 group,
however
Linking Words
, accounted for the lowest number, at only under 4%.  In the following years, the data on the
NESC
Use synonyms
 significantly fell to just under 4% in 1998, before fluctuating to around 2.2% in the
last
Linking Words
 year. Meanwhile, the figures for both groups, Australia and
ESC
Use synonyms
, underwent a steady drop from about 3.6% and 2.8% in 1997 to around 2% and 1% in 2003, respectively, after decreasing to the same point at approximately 3% in 1995.
At the end
Linking Words
 of the
period
Use synonyms
, the statistics showed that
Australian
Correct your spelling
Australia
show examples
 occupied 76% of the total number of Australian labour resources.
And
Correct word choice
This
show examples
this
Linking Words
 number was considerably greater than the data on
NESC
Use synonyms
, which was only 10%,
as well as
Linking Words
 more than five times higher
versus
Change preposition
than
show examples
10
Correct article usage
the 10
show examples
% of the
ESC
Use synonyms
 group.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "as well as".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words esc, nesc, period with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "give" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "considerably" was used 2 times.
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