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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart and graph below give the information about three categories of workers in Australia and the unemployment levels within those groups.

The chart and graph below give the information about three categories of workers in Australia and the unemployment levels within those groups.
#information #three #categories #workers #australia #unemployment #levels #groups
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The pie
chart
Use synonyms
 and the line graph illustrate the figures
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
three
Use synonyms
 kinds of employees in Australia and the unemployment rate within those brackets.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that workers born in
English speaking
Add a hyphen
English-speaking
show examples
countries
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 (E.S.C) had similar
data
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 with those non-English speaking
countries
Use synonyms
 (N.E.S.C). It can
also
Linking Words
 be observed that the rate of unemployment in all
three
Use synonyms
 groups went down over the decade. Beginning with the employees born in
English - speaking
Correct your spelling
English-speaking
show examples
countries
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 (ESC), the figures were similar to those
non-English-speaking
Change preposition
of non-English-speaking
show examples
countries
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 (
NESC
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).
Figures
Correct article usage
The figures
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 ESC
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 14 per
cent
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 and the
NESC
Use synonyms
 was 10 per
cent
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.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 the
data
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 of workforce born in Australia was over
three
Use synonyms
 quarter per
cent
Use synonyms
 and account for a huge place in the pie
chart
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.
Besides
Linking Words
, the information of
two
Correct article usage
the two
show examples
 other groups was smaller and lower than the group which had the highest
data
Use synonyms
 and percentage in
Use synonyms
chart
Add an article
the chart
a chart
show examples
. Turning to the remaining statistics, it is apparent that the
NESC
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 included the
data
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 which was always the highest through a decade from 1993 to 2003. At the beginning of the timeframe, the
data
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 of that
chart
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 started with approximately seven per
cent
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 the lowest was ESC which started
over
Change preposition
at over
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three
Use synonyms
 per
cent
Use synonyms
 in 1993. There was a drop in the following time
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the statistics of
NESC
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 and it considerably declined until
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
half in 1997. After that time, it fluctuated to the end of
timeframe
Correct article usage
the timeframe
show examples
 and ended with nearly
three
Use synonyms
 per
cent
Use synonyms
.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words chart, three, countries, data, nesc, cent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 5 times.
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