IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The graphs below the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in four countries in 1970 and 2000. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

#graphs #percentage #men #women #four #countries #information #features #comparisons
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The bar charts illustrate the proportion of
women
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 and men employed in dissimilar countries at the age of 60-64 in 2000 and 1940 by the per cent. At first glance, it can be seen that
Japan
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 had the highest
percentage
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 of both old men and
women
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 still working at the age of 60-64.
To begin
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 with, in the data of
women
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 aged 60-64 still working, the highest proportion belonged to
Japan
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 occupying 40% in 1970 and 43% in 2000.
Then
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 it was followed by the
percentage
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 of USA located at the point of 38 and 36 in 1970 and 2000 respectively.
However
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, the
percentage
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 of old
women
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 still working in Belgium was lower than 10%, specifically, 8% in 2000 and % in 1970. Turning to the data for men, in 2000, the
percentage
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 of
Japan
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 was the highest about 86%, followed by the
percentage
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 of Belgium, Australia and the USA at 79%, 76% and 73% respectively.
Then
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, the lowest proportion was owned by Belgium about 19% in 1970, and the
percentage
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 of Australia was nearly double.
Finally
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, the USA had 55%in 1970 and
Japan
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 still had the highest
percentage
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 that year.

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task response
The essay needs a more precise and detailed comparison. Avoid vague terms like 'percentage of Japan was the highest about 86%' and provide more exact figures or ranges.
coherence cohesion
Focus on logical flow and ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Avoid abrupt changes in topics within paragraphs.
task response
Correct minor grammatical errors and improve the precision of your descriptions. For example, 'dissimilar' should be replaced with 'different,' and 'occupied' should be 'accounted for.'
task response
The essay provides an extensive overview of the data for both men and women across the different countries.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear structure with distinct sections for each gender, which helps in understanding the comparisons made.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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