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Band 5.5

Write a letter to your manager to request setting up a cafeteria for the staff. In your letter, you should tell: what you heard about the inconvenience from the staff how you feel about it what suggestions you have

#manager #request #cafeteria #staff #inconvenience #suggestions
Dear Sir, I am Kiranpreet Kaur, working as Shift Supervisor in your organization from 2021. I am writing to you
due to
 the dissatisfaction expressed by staff members recently about the
15 minutes
Correct your spelling
15-minute
 break criteria and a suggestion to help resolve
this
 matter. Recently, I had a meeting with some
office
 colleagues who told me that they have to eat their food
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 their
office
 desks when they have
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 in-between
15 minutes
Correct your spelling
15-minute
 break because
lunch
Correct article usage
the lunch
show examples
 room is too far and they have to travel to the 3rd floor which wastes their time.
Besides
this
, during that short
break
Add a comma
break,
show examples
 they have to juggle with
office
 work because of the continuous calls and Emails. So, they are not able
relieve
Add the particle
to relieve
show examples
 themselves during their break. In order to solve it, we need to provide them
a
Add the preposition
with a
show examples
dedicated facility like a cafe where they can enjoy some leisure moments and distract themselves from
constant
Correct article usage
the constant
show examples
 pressure they face. It could help them in improving their productivity and performance.
Finally
, I can organize a meeting with some vendors and contractors who can start
this
 hub on a temporary basis and we can evaluate the costs and the benefits of
this
 new venture. Let me know when we can meet up to discuss
this
 issue and figure out a way to help the
office
 employees. Yours faithfully, Kiranpreet Kaur
Submitted by Kiran on

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coherence
Consider breaking down some sentences to improve clarity. For instance, 'Recently, I had a meeting with some office colleagues who told me that they have to eat their food on their office desks when they have a in-between 15 minutes break because lunch room is too far and they have to travel to the 3rd floor which wastes their time' is a bit long and could be divided into two sentences for better readability.
task
To make your argument stronger, you could include a brief explanation of how a cafeteria would benefit the company as a whole, such as improved morale or reduced sick days.
tone
The letter is appropriately formal and polite, which suits the purpose and audience.
task
You have addressed all the required points about the staff’s inconvenience, your feelings, and your suggestion.
coherence
The closing paragraph is effective and provides a clear call to action, asking for a meeting to further discuss the issue.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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