IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2.5

There is a bar chart showing the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

#bar #percentage #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity
There is a bar chart showing the
percentage
 of Australian
men
 and
women
 in different
age
 groups
age groups
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
who did
regular
Add an article
a regular
the regular
show examples
 physical activity in 2010.
According to
 the chart, the
percentage
 of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 engaged in physical work in Australia gradually decreased with
age
,
while
on the contrary
, it increased in
women
 regardless of
age
. In the
age
 range of 35-44 years, the results of
women
 compared to
men
 were high, at the same time at the
age
 of 65 and above, these totals were quite close to each other. In detail, the highest
percentage
 of
men
 who regularly
employ
Verb problem
work
show examples
 in physical
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 was 52.8,
while
 the
percentage
 of
women
 in the 15-24
age
 range was relatively low, 47.7. In the
age
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
25-34
age
 group, the working
percentage
 of
men
 has declined and was lower than that of
women
, the difference between them was about 6 per cent. 45-54 and 55-64,
due to
 these
age
 groups, the rate of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 didn’t change much,
while
 the
percentage
 of
women
 reached
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
53.
To conclude
, these indicators demonstrated that
men
 work less
regulary
Correct your spelling
regularly
 in physical
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
,
while
women
 had higher rates.
Submitted by checkmyessay9 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your essay would benefit from a clearer and more concise introduction. State explicitly that the bar chart shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. This establishes the context more effectively.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, ensure smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. For example, you can use linking phrases such as "However," "Additionally," and "In contrast" to guide the reader through your points more seamlessly.
task response
While you do well in detailing specific age groups, your essay would improve with more clear-cut examples and a balanced comparison between the sexes across all age groups. This will help emphasize your main points more effectively.
task response
Your essay provides a good comparison between males and females in various age groups, which is essential for addressing the task adequately.
task response
You have included specific data points, which helps in making your essay more informative and reliable.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!