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The graph below highlights the difference between the proportion of male and females in different age groups who did regular physical activity in Australia in 2010.

#difference #proportion #females #age #groups #activity #australia
The graph below highlights the difference between the proportion of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and females in different
age
groups
 who did regular physical activity in Australia in 2010.
Overall
, what stands out from the graph is that
women
 had the highest share in three
age
groups
,
whereas
men
 had the maximum result in only one
age
group
. Looking at the details, the graph shows that among the younger
age
groups
 15 to 24 and 25 to 34, a higher percentage of
men
 engaged in regular physical activity than
women
. Specifically, in the 15 to 24
age
group
, 52.8% of
men
 were active, compared to 47.7% of
women
.
Similarly
, in the 25 to 34
age
group
, 48.9% of
men
 participated in regular physical activity,
whereas
 only 42,2% of
women
 did so. There was a significant difference between the proportions of males and females in the gym in the 35-to-44
age
group
, with 39.5% and 52,5%, respectively.
Women
 ranked highest in the next two
age
groups
 (45-to-54 and 55-to-64), (53,3% and 53%, respectively).
In contrast
, in the 65-year-old and over
age
group
, the proportions of
men
 and
women
 were nearly equal.
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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with a good introduction. However, the conclusion is somewhat implicit. Consider adding a more explicit concluding sentence.
task achievement
While the response covers all the relevant data from the graph, it would benefit from a more rounded analysis. Consider providing reasons or speculations as to why these trends might exist.
task achievement
You have effectively used specific data to support your points, which adds credibility to your analysis.
coherence cohesion
Your essay follows a logical structure and each paragraph flows seamlessly into the next, making it easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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