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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In recent time, young adults are spending less time with their families and more with their friends. Why has this occurred? Do you think parents should force their children to spend their time at home?

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In recent decades , youngsters prefer to spend their
time
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 with their friends rather than to spend their
time
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 with family. In my opinion , they should be free and enjoy their lives. In my future paragraphs , I will explain my main idea about
this
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 issue.
To begin
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 with ,
it is clear that
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 almost most children prefer to be with their friends nowadays.
For instance
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 , they like to
go to
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apply
show examples
travel and enjoy
without
Correct pronoun usage
themselves without
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 any pressure from
families
Correct pronoun usage
their families
show examples
.
Although
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 they may do some wrong things , parents should let them experiment with new experiences and learn from their wrongs.
On the other hand
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 , it is undeniable that some problems are not predictable
as well as
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 dangerous considerably.
Furthermore
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 , family like to spend some
time
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 with their children
that
Correct word choice
which
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it
Correct your spelling
is
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can be
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apply
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correct.
By contrast
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 , usually , youth are cast away by family
due to
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 their choices. It is my notion that young people have a different world in their mind in modern society
due to
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 improvements in technology ,
such
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 as developing communications.So they are not interested in old relationships among family.
For example
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 , some rituals are not attractive to them and it is very boring to do for young people.In my opinion , we should give freedom to our children and take care of them at a distance
according to
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 special rules.
Moreover
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 , we can make many entertainments for spending our
time
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 with youngsters.
To sum up
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 , young people are keen on spending their
time
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 with their friends recently .
As a consequence
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 , families should give them the right to choose.
Furthermore
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 , create some plans for spending
time
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 together.

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coherence
Your essay is structured logically, but there are some abrupt transitions between ideas. Use linking words and phrases such as 'moreover,' 'furthermore,' or 'in addition' to guide the reader through your points more smoothly.
task achievement
Your main points are generally clear, but you should support them with more detailed examples and explanations. This will make your arguments more persuasive and easier to follow.
coherence
Try to elaborate more on your conclusion. Summarize the main points that you have discussed to reinforce your stance.
coherence
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which wraps up your argument nicely.
task achievement
You have addressed both parts of the task well, explaining why young adults spend more time with friends and discussing whether parents should force their children to spend time at home.
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