IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In recent time, young adults are spending less time with their families and more with their friends. Why has this occurred? Do you think parents should force their children to spend their time at home?

#time #adults #families #friends #parents #force #children #home
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In recent decades , youngsters prefer to spend their
time
Use synonyms
 with their friends rather than to spend their
time
Use synonyms
 with family. In my opinion , they should be free and enjoy their lives. In my future paragraphs , I will explain my main idea about
this
Linking Words
 issue.
To begin
Linking Words
 with ,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 almost most children prefer to be with their friends nowadays.
For instance
Linking Words
 , they like to
go to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
travel and enjoy
without
Correct pronoun usage
themselves without
show examples
 any pressure from
families
Correct pronoun usage
their families
show examples
.
Although
Linking Words
 they may do some wrong things , parents should let them experiment with new experiences and learn from their wrongs.
On the other hand
Linking Words
 , it is undeniable that some problems are not predictable
as well as
Linking Words
 dangerous considerably.
Furthermore
Linking Words
 , family like to spend some
time
Use synonyms
 with their children
that
Correct word choice
which
show examples
it
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
can be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
correct.
By contrast
Linking Words
 , usually , youth are cast away by family
due to
Linking Words
 their choices. It is my notion that young people have a different world in their mind in modern society
due to
Linking Words
 improvements in technology ,
such
Linking Words
 as developing communications.So they are not interested in old relationships among family.
For example
Linking Words
 , some rituals are not attractive to them and it is very boring to do for young people.In my opinion , we should give freedom to our children and take care of them at a distance
according to
Linking Words
 special rules.
Moreover
Linking Words
 , we can make many entertainments for spending our
time
Use synonyms
 with youngsters.
To sum up
Linking Words
 , young people are keen on spending their
time
Use synonyms
 with their friends recently .
As a consequence
Linking Words
 , families should give them the right to choose.
Furthermore
Linking Words
 , create some plans for spending
time
Use synonyms
 together.
Submitted by rastaebrahimifar on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence
Your essay is structured logically, but there are some abrupt transitions between ideas. Use linking words and phrases such as 'moreover,' 'furthermore,' or 'in addition' to guide the reader through your points more smoothly.
task achievement
Your main points are generally clear, but you should support them with more detailed examples and explanations. This will make your arguments more persuasive and easier to follow.
coherence
Try to elaborate more on your conclusion. Summarize the main points that you have discussed to reinforce your stance.
coherence
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which wraps up your argument nicely.
task achievement
You have addressed both parts of the task well, explaining why young adults spend more time with friends and discussing whether parents should force their children to spend time at home.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: