IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some businesses prohibit smoking in any of their offices. Some governments have banned smoking in all public places. Do you agree or disagree that this is the right course of action? Give reasons for your opinion.

#businesses #offices #governments #places #right #course #action
Most of the private organizations are banned
to smoke
Change preposition
from smoking
show examples
 inside the
work places
Correct your spelling
workplaces
show examples
.
Moreover
, few
countries
Change noun form
country's
countries'
show examples
 public
administration
Fix the agreement mistake
administrations
show examples
 have forbidden smoking
among
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public assembly areas. My statement is smoking is an individual
habit
 of a person
also
government
 should not possible to eradicate smoking completely.
Thus
, allow them to smoke in a private place and it will not harm
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other
people
.
Initially
, nowadays smoking has become one of the habitual activities among
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
. Numerous
people
 are smoking because of high stress and tension.
In
Change preposition
During
show examples
 the smoking
time
Add a comma
time,
show examples
 they feel
relax
Wrong verb form
relaxed
show examples
 and
delight
Wrong verb form
delighted
show examples
.
Due to
 the development of
technology
Add a comma
technology,
show examples
 the world is going advanced in daily. So,
people
runs
Change the verb form
run
show examples
 very
faster
Replace the word
fast
show examples
 in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 to survive.
Hence
, stress and anxiety
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 generated among them. Some
people
 are feeling smoking can give relax and patience from depression.
Moreover
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
also
 getting more profit from the selling of cigarettes and tobacco.
For example
, India is one of
biggest
Add an article
the biggest
show examples
country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
show examples
 in the world and more
population
Correct article usage
a population
show examples
. There is around more than 70%
people
Change preposition
of people
show examples
 are consuming cigarettes and tobacco daily. Every coin has two sides
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the other side, smoking
habit
 will harm
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
human organs like
lungs
Correct article usage
the lungs
show examples
, liver and brain cells.
Furthermore
,
this
habit
 will lead to
create
Verb problem
apply
show examples
severe diseases in the human body
such
 as cancer,
blood
Correct word choice
high blood
show examples
 pressure,
tuberculosis
Correct word choice
and tuberculosis
show examples
. If any persons are smoking in assembly points that efflux
cigarette
Change preposition
of cigarette
show examples
 ash can harm
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other persons
also
 who
hasn’t
Correct subject-verb agreement
haven’t
show examples
 the smoking
habit
.
To
Change preposition
In
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 nutshell, smoking is the
habit
 of a particular person.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
 or
another
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
other
organization
Fix the agreement mistake
organizations
show examples
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 no
any
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
authority to ban it. But some changes and
enhancement
Fix the agreement mistake
enhancements
show examples
to be
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 possible.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
 can make the rules for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
smokers to smoke in a room or any isolated place.
Submitted by smsundaram57 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay has a reasonable introduction and conclusion, but it could be more logically structured. Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follow a more organized sequence of arguments.
task achievement
Ensure that each idea introduced in the essay is clearly explained and supported with examples. The statement about India's smoking population, for example, should be backed up with more reliable statistics.
coherence cohesion
The writer has attempted to address the prompt and included an introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument and presents the writer's opinion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • secondhand smoke
  • respiratory diseases
  • cardiovascular diseases
  • workplace productivity
  • illness-related absences
  • environmental pollution
  • discarded cigarette butts
  • economic considerations
  • healthcare costs
  • de-normalize tobacco use
  • smoke-free culture
  • initiation of smoking
  • duty of care
  • public health policy
  • healthier employees
What to do next:
Look at other essays: