IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Nowadays, more people move away from their friends and families for work. Do advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #move #friends #families #work
Issues surrounding living far from family and friends are a frequent topic of discussion in contemporary society. It is increasingly common for individuals to opt for
proximity
 to their workplace rather than their hometown.
While
this
 trend offers certain advantages, I contend that the drawbacks outweigh the benefits.
This
 essay will critically examine both perspectives. On one hand, residing in close
proximity
 to one's workplace presents several benefits. Primarily, it affords enhanced career opportunities, facilitating greater accessibility for meetings and overtime commitments.
Moreover
,
proximity
 mitigates the risk of delays
due to
 traffic congestion,
thus
 optimizing productivity. Financially, reduced transportation costs contribute to greater stability in personal finances.
Conversely
, the decision to live apart from loved ones carries significant disadvantages. Chief among these is the potential for heightened stress stemming from an intense focus on professional obligations.
This
 lifestyle may lead to adverse mental health outcomes,
such
 as depression and burnout, exacerbated by a lack of familial and social support.
For instance
, individuals relocating for work often experience cultural challenges and profound homesickness. In conclusion,
while
 the advantages of
proximity
 to work are notable, the adverse effects of separation from familial and social networks outweigh these benefits. It is
therefore
 imperative for individuals to meticulously assess their personal circumstances before making
such
 a pivotal decision.
Submitted by nyentdn on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To enhance your essay, consider integrating more specific examples to substantiate your claims and make your arguments more compelling.
coherence cohesion
You can improve coherence by using more varied transitional phrases and connectors between paragraphs to ensure a smoother flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
The essay is structured well, with a clear introduction and a strong conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The main points are well-supported with logical reasoning and analysis.
task achievement
The essay effectively addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of living away from family and friends for work, thus offering a balanced discussion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: