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Writing Samples
Band 5

The charts below show the percentage of workers in three sectors across four countries in 1980 and 2010.

The charts below show the percentage of workers in three sectors across four countries in 1980 and 2010.
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The given bar graph illustrates the proportion of employees in three various factors across four different
nations
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 including
China
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,
Japan
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,
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USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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 and
Germany
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 from 1980 to 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the
percentage
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 of workers in
industry
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 in all
nations
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 except
China
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 increased significantly after 30 years .During the period from 1980 to 2010, it
also
Linking Words
 can be seen that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 the highest data of workers in
China
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 was
agriculture
Change preposition
in agriculture
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,
in contrast
Linking Words
, the highest
percent
Replace the word
percentage
show examples
 of staff in other
nations
Use synonyms
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
Use synonyms
industry
Change preposition
in industry
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. In the year 1980,
China
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's agriculture made up the largest
percentage
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, about 70%,
while
Linking Words
 in
Japan
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 and
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USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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 it was nearly 10% for each country and
Germany
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 had the lowest
percentage
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.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the
percentage
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 of
industry
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 in
Germany
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 was the highest and the lowest was
China
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’s
industry
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. As can be seen from the chart, the
percentage
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 of
industry
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 in
Japan
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 and
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USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 were nearly, around
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half. Almost all
nations
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 including the
USA
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,
China
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,
Germany
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 and
Japan
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were
Verb problem
had
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 below 50% service staff and the lowest
percentage
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 was the
services
Fix the agreement mistake
service
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 workers in
Japan
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. Thirty years later, there was a notable increase in
industry
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 in
Germany
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, the US, and
Japan
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, from 70% to 80%,
while
Linking Words
China
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's
industry
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 sector remained unchanged at 40%. There was a significant decrease in services in
China
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 which was a
third,
Linking Words
compared to a
less
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
slight fall of nearly 10% in the other countries.
This
Linking Words
 trend is
also
Linking Words
 similar to agriculture,
China
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 made up a decline of 20%,
while
Linking Words
 the figures for the other three countries remained unchanged, accounting for less than 10%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also, in contrast, while".
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Replace the words nations, china, japan, usa, germany, percentage, industry with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 6 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "remained" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "unchanged" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significantly" was used 2 times.
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