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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The graphs show figures relating to hours worked and stress levels amongst professionals in eight groups

The graphs show figures relating to hours worked and stress levels amongst professionals in eight groups
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The charts demonstrate comparative data regarding the average weekly
work
Use synonyms
hours
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 and the
stress
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 levels of particular eight professions, namely writers,
doctors
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, chefs,
lecturers
Use synonyms
,
lawyers
Use synonyms
, movie producers,
programmers
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, and
businessmen
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.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is evident that
businessmen
Use synonyms
 had the highest
hours
Use synonyms
 worked per week,
while
Linking Words
lecturers
Use synonyms
 worked the least.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
,
lecturers
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 became the
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 who suffered the most from tension,
whereas
Linking Words
programmers
Use synonyms
 gained the least level of
stress
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.
According to
Linking Words
 the bar chart,
businessmen
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 worked almost 70
hours
Use synonyms
 per week, which doubled the
work
Use synonyms
hours
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 of
lawyers
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, Movie producers had the second most
work
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hours
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, amounting to 60
hours
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, with around 10
hours
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 more than that of
doctors
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.
In addition
Linking Words
, writers worked just fewer
hours
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less
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
than
doctors
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, approximately 7
hours
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.
Programmers
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,
lawyers
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, and
lecturers
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,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 were among the three least
Use synonyms
work hour
Add a hyphen
work-hour
show examples
 occupations at 40,35,
25
Correct word choice
and 25
show examples
hours
Use synonyms
, respectively.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, one-fourth of the pie chart, representing the level of
stress
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,
was
Correct your spelling
as
show examples
lecturers
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, which was equal to the combined proportions of
doctors
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 and chefs (15 and 10
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
, respectively).
Furthermore
Linking Words
, movie producers were still the second job that had the highest
stress
Use synonyms
 level at just under a fifth.
Businessmen
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,
lawyers
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, and writers had almost identical percentages at 11, 8,
8
Correct word choice
and 8
show examples
%, respectively;
also
Linking Words
, a mere 5 percent of
programmers
Use synonyms
 suffered from
stress
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.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words work, hours, stress, doctors, lecturers, lawyers, programmers, businessmen with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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