IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar charts depict the percentage of diverse age groups purchasing concert, cinema, theatre tickets online during the first three months of 2013, common internet access in the UK, Australia, Malaysia.

The bar charts depict the percentage of diverse age groups purchasing concert, cinema, theatre tickets online during the first three months of 2013, common internet access in the UK, Australia, Malaysia.
#bar #percentage #age #groups #concert #cinema #theatre #tickets #first #three #months #internet #access #uk #australia #malaysia
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The bar chart depicts the percentage of diverse
age
Use synonyms
 groups most likely to buy tickets online in the beginning
three
Use synonyms
 months of 2006
while
Linking Words
 taking the help of devices
such
Linking Words
 as desktop computers, laptops, and mobile phones in
three
Use synonyms
 countries.
Overall
Linking Words
, The 25-44
age
Use synonyms
 group in the Australia and UK used to purchase tickets for theatre, concerts, and cinema witnessed the highest rate compared to the old
age
Use synonyms
 group
while
Linking Words
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 presented the reverse pattern. Meanwhile, desktop computers became the popular gadgets used for shopping pass contrast to other devices in
three
Use synonyms
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
show examples
.
however
Linking Words
,
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 was the leading. The
age
Use synonyms
 groups between 25-44 proportion of online tickets in the two English-speaking countries dramatically
standout
Correct your spelling
stand out
show examples
 at around 55%
while
Linking Words
Malaysia
Use synonyms
's rate was the lowest at about 40%.
on the other hand
Linking Words
, the over
65 years old
Correct your spelling
65-year-old
 population peaked in bookings in Australia and the UK at around 48% and 45% but
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 presented a slight improvement of about 45%
in contrast
Linking Words
 to younger brackets. Meantime, the accessory used for register pass in
three
Use synonyms
 countries showed a significant trend in desktop computers (58-65%) compared to laptops (30-40%)and mobile phones (25-30%).
However
Linking Words
, all the technology is widely utilised in
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 despite the downward trend.
Submitted by kiruthikakannan.pid on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words age, three, malaysia with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "presented" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: