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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000 Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant.

The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000 Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant.
#show #percentages #men #women #employment #four #countries #summaries #information #features #comparison
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The graph contains two comparisons between men and
women
Use synonyms
 aged 60 to 64 in
employment
Use synonyms
 in countries in 1970 and 2000.
Firstly
Linking Words
, In Australia
Use synonyms
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
show examples
 in
employment
Use synonyms
where
Correct your spelling
were
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
about 47% in 1970 and 74% in 2000.
While
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
women
Use synonyms
have
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 about
employment
Use synonyms
 rate of 19% in 2000 and 18% in 1970.
Linking Words
Secondly
Add a comma
Secondly,
show examples
 in
Japan
Add a comma
Japan,
show examples
women
Use synonyms
have
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
rate
Add an article
a rate
the rate
show examples
 of 40% in 2000 and 43% in 1970.
Employment
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
show examples
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 about 84% in 1970 and 76% in 2000.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
show examples
 in
usa
Correct article usage
the usa
show examples
 have
significant
Correct article usage
a significant
show examples
raise
Correct your spelling
rise
show examples
 of about
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
55% to 73% in 1970 and 2000.
Use synonyms
women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
employment
Use synonyms
 in
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 little increase of 36 to 38%.
Lastly
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
Add an article
a man
the man
show examples
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
show examples
 in
belguim
Correct your spelling
Belgium
 got
lot
Change the article
a lot
show examples
 of raise from 19 to 79%
while
Linking Words
 working as
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
women
a woman
show examples
women
Use synonyms
decreases
Wrong verb form
decreased
show examples
 from 7 to 8%. In conclusion, if we compare
Use synonyms
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
show examples
 in
Change the capitalization
Belgium
show examples
belgium
Change the capitalization
Belgium
show examples
 got
significant
Correct article usage
a significant
show examples
raise
Correct your spelling
rise
show examples
 of about
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
19 to 79%
while
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
least
Correct article usage
the least
show examples
 working
women
Use synonyms
 are
also
Linking Words
 in
Change the capitalization
Belgium
show examples
belgium
Change the capitalization
Belgium
show examples
 but
decrease
Correct article usage
a decrease
show examples
 in working
as
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
women
Use synonyms
 was in Japan
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words women, employment, man with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreases" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significant" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Employment rate
  • Percentage
  • Significant increase/decrease
  • Fluctuation
  • Gender disparity
  • Trend
  • Decline
  • Improvement
  • Variation
  • Noteworthy
  • Aligned
  • Comparative analysis
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