IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Many people today are worried about young children using video game. What problems might these games cause for children and society as a whole? How could these problems be reduced?

#people #children #video #game #games #society
Nowadays, playing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
video
games
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 known as a considerable concern in childhood. There are
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of problems that players and society suffer from
as a result
 of the mentioned
games
 but some straightforward measures can be taken to protect them. Among the different problems that playing
video
games
 has, being at the risk of
overweighting
Replace the word
overweight
show examples
 and visual problems for young
children
 who play them, are the worst ones. In fact, lack of activity leads to
reduction
Add an article
a reduction
show examples
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
body
Change noun form
body's
show examples
 metabolism which
rise
Change the verb form
rises
show examples
 in the number of fat cells, and focusing all the time and staring
the
Change preposition
at the
show examples
 screen can affect their eyes.
On the other hand
, society may face serious
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 in the educational system when they will go to school. Because
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
children
 are passing vital milestones, in terms of mental and cognitive growth,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
video
games
 disrupt
this
 process.
For example
, their addictive brains do not have proper functions in
decision making
Add a hyphen
decision-making
show examples
, attention, and concentration. Turning to
possible
Add an article
a possible
show examples
 solution, probably the most effective measure is
that
Correct word choice
for
show examples
 the government
raise
Fix the infinitive
to raise
show examples
 awareness among
parents
 of the dire results of
games
 on health status.
Thus
, the
parents
persuade
Wrong verb form
were persuaded
show examples
 to impose
more tough
Correct word choice
tougher
show examples
 restrictions on the range of times
which
Change preposition
at which
show examples
 they play.
In addition
, the
parents
 should encourage their
children
 to participate in various
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 classes
instead
 of sitting in front of computers.
Moreover
, the authorities can put some rewards for
video
games programmer
Fix the agreement mistake
game programmers
show examples
 to compose
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
video
games
 with physical activities together
such
 as using
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
virtual reality in designing them. In conclusion,
although
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
 use
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
video
games
 pervasively today,
this
 issue will be tackled provided that the
parents
 and authorities do their duties effectively. The
parents
 have to provide opportunities
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 physical activities more than past, and
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 create incentives for
programmer
Fix the agreement mistake
programmers
show examples
 to alter the atmosphere of
video
games
.
Submitted by raha.roham1994 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence
Enhance clarity by presenting ideas in a more straightforward manner.
task
Include more specific and relevant examples to support your points.
coherence
Work on sentence structure and grammar to improve readability.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame the discussion effectively.
task
The essay addresses both problems and solutions, maintaining focus on the task requirements.
coherence
The overall argument is logical and understandable, contributing to coherent communication.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: