IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people today are worried about young children using video game. What problems might these games cause for children and society as a whole? How could these problems be reduced?

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Nowadays, playing
the
Correct article usage
apply
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video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 known as a considerable concern in childhood. There are
number
Change the article
a number
the number
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 of problems that players and society suffer from
as a result
Linking Words
 of the mentioned
games
Use synonyms
 but some straightforward measures can be taken to protect them. Among the different problems that playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 has, being at the risk of
overweighting
Replace the word
overweight
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 and visual problems for young
children
Use synonyms
 who play them, are the worst ones. In fact, lack of activity leads to
reduction
Add an article
a reduction
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the
Change preposition
in the
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body
Change noun form
body's
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 metabolism which
rise
Change the verb form
rises
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 in the number of fat cells, and focusing all the time and staring
the
Change preposition
at the
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 screen can affect their eyes.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, society may face serious
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 in the educational system when they will go to school. Because
the
Correct article usage
apply
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young
children
Use synonyms
 are passing vital milestones, in terms of mental and cognitive growth,
and
Correct word choice
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 disrupt
this
Linking Words
 process.
For example
Linking Words
, their addictive brains do not have proper functions in
decision making
Add a hyphen
decision-making
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, attention, and concentration. Turning to
possible
Add an article
a possible
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 solution, probably the most effective measure is
that
Correct word choice
for
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 the government
raise
Fix the infinitive
to raise
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 awareness among
parents
Use synonyms
 of the dire results of
games
Use synonyms
 on health status.
Thus
Linking Words
, the
parents
Use synonyms
persuade
Wrong verb form
were persuaded
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 to impose
more tough
Correct word choice
tougher
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 restrictions on the range of times
which
Change preposition
at which
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 they play.
In addition
Linking Words
, the
parents
Use synonyms
 should encourage their
children
Use synonyms
 to participate in various
sport
Change the noun form
sports
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 classes
instead
Linking Words
 of sitting in front of computers.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the authorities can put some rewards for
video
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
games programmer
Fix the agreement mistake
game programmers
show examples
 to compose
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 with physical activities together
such
Linking Words
 as using
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
virtual reality in designing them. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 use
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 pervasively today,
this
Linking Words
 issue will be tackled provided that the
parents
Use synonyms
 and authorities do their duties effectively. The
parents
Use synonyms
 have to provide opportunities
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 physical activities more than past, and
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 create incentives for
programmer
Fix the agreement mistake
programmers
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 to alter the atmosphere of
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
.

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coherence
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task
Include more specific and relevant examples to support your points.
coherence
Work on sentence structure and grammar to improve readability.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame the discussion effectively.
task
The essay addresses both problems and solutions, maintaining focus on the task requirements.
coherence
The overall argument is logical and understandable, contributing to coherent communication.
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